Friday, October 29, 2010

Syko Shadow's Conversation With a Typical Florida Christian

I had to put this story out, it's funny as shit to me. Whenever magx gets into debates and conversations with theists, it's over the internet more often than not compared to my interactions with theists. As I currently live in Florida, a state known for exceptionally stupid churchgoers like the winner of Worst Lawyer Ever, Jack Thompson, and Qu'ran-burner Terry Jones, as well as a healthy general population of "devout Christians" who think the definition of "devout" is "fucking psychotic," I have to talk to these people face-to-face. Most of these people, who I dub "fucking retards," can be found primarily in Central Florida... which, unfortunately, is where I live at the moment. On the bright side, living here has supplied me with the story I'm about to tell you.

Ok, so I was just minding my gangsta, outside the local Popeye's with a 5-piece and fries, when some weird looking motherfucker in a suit and bowtie (not the cool kind) popped the fuck outta nowhere like a ninja Raptor Jesus. He starts talking to me about how nice the day is, chatting me up like I was some regular dude he hangs with every day. Then he whips out a Bible (the 1997 remastered New Testament version, the one where Jesus shoots first) and tells me he's collecting charity for his local church to raise funds to put up pro-Christian and anti-Atheist billboards up around the neighborhood to raise awareness of the growing problem of "young men and women turning away from God." I've already seen a few of these things around here, billboards that say stuff like "Without God, we are just one nation under ___" so I knew what he was talking about immediately (incidentally, I'm entertaining the notion of going to that billboard at night, and filling in the blank in "one nation under ___" by spray-painting "yo mama" on it, should I?).

So at first, I politely tell him that I cannot donate any money to his cause as I am not a Christian. I didn't tell him I was an Atheist at first because that's the stupidest fucking thing you could do in Central Florida. However, I am not one to shy away from openly admitting my beliefs, so I always tell people I'm an Atheist, but only if they specifically ask me what my religious denomination is (I guess that only makes me half-stupid). Sure enough, the fucker asked me "if you aren't a Christian, what are you?" Let it be known that, by asking me this, he set in motion this entire conversation. He coulda just let the matter be, but noooo!

This is where shit gets funny.

Shadow: I'm an Atheist.

Jesus Freak:... what?!

Shadow: It means I don't believe that any god exi--

Jesus Freak: I know what it means, thank you very much! I just didn't think any of you people lived in this neighborhood.

Shadow: Trust me Howdy Doody, I don't live here by choice.

Jesus Freak: Oh my Lord, what is wrong with young people today? Everywhere I go, there's always one person who thinks its cool to disrespect God and his chosen people!

Shadow: Only one Atheist in each place you go? If having a single Atheist in the neighborhood bothers you so much, you could always try the Midwest... or Egypt.

Jesus Freak: Don't get persnickety with me, boy!

Shadow: I don't know which word I'm more offended by, "boy" or "persnickety."

Jesus Freak: You think its funny to mock God?!

Shadow: I'm not mocking God, I'm mocking you. I'm scheduled to mock God tomorrow, after my weekly Atheist blood sacrifice to Cthulhu... 'cause, you know... we Atheists do that kind of shit when we're not praying to our science textbooks.

Jesus Freak: If you don't allow God into your heart, you'll burn in a special place in Hell designed just for godless people like you.

Shadow: First of all, isn't all of Hell designed for people who don't have God in their hearts? Secondly, I thought God was omnipotent, what's stopping him from going into whatever part of my body he wants?

Jesus Freak: YOU ARE!

Shadow: Holy shit, I have the power to stop God from doing shit? Tiiiiiight!

Jesus Freak: People like you deserve to suffer!

Shadow: And you deserve to wear that booshy-ass bowtie!

Sadly, he stormed off at that point, but it was a fun little conversation, and one I had to share.

3 comments:

  1. "Then he whips out a Bible (the 1997 remastered New Testament version, the one where Jesus shoots first)...."

    WOW. LMAO!!!!

    " "Without God, we are just one nation under ___" so I knew what he was talking about immediately (incidentally, I'm entertaining the notion of going to that billboard at night, and filling in the blank in "one nation under ___" by spray-painting "yo mama" on it, should I?)."

    Put "The Law."

    Or "The Night Sky."

    Or "Canada."

    Anyways, is this how the conversation actually went? For real? If so, omfg, I know you always prefer the humourous approach, but WOW a "real" (serious) debate would have been soooo much fun. The dude doesn't even grasp the simple concept of nonbelief, as he kept reiterating that you're 'mocking god.'

    Like....uh, guy? We DON'T BELIEVE HE EXISTS! I also like how he makes this equivocation between nonbelief and 'a self perception of 'coolness.' How insulting! He apparently doesn't think there are intellectual reasons for nonbelief. He also apparently thinks you can choose not to believe. DUMBASS!!

    He also doesn't even grasp the concept of omnipotence, which is one of the main traits possessed by his god. He also admitted that he thinks we DESEERVE to burn in hell. At least many of them will say they personally don't think we deserve it, this guy straight out says he concurs with god. Amazing.

    I'd love to have asked him if he thinks it's cool to disbelieve in other religions' gods and if he deserves to burn in their hells.

    Ah man, those are just the softballs too. I'd have LOVED to really have gotten into it with this guy. I know you prefer the humour though.

    I had a similar experience a year or so ago, and I wanted so bad to have it out with the bitch but I was at work, and working in the medical profession I felt it completely improper to do anything but politely placate the woman. However, I did allow myself, after literally HOURS of her bullshit, to say one thing, one very, very tiny thing, and MAN did she ever get offended!

    The audacity of these people! She went at me for hours, telling me how impoverished my life is, and how wrong I am, and didn't seem to even consider that I might get offended or insulted by it, but the second i ask her one fucking question, in response to something she said, she gets all offended. WOW if I wasn't at work I would have let her have it at that point. Like, fffuuuucccckkkkk yyyyoooouuuuuu. Gets all indignant. Fucking cunt.

    Here's the link(not sure if you read this back in the day or not):

    http://magx01.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-encounter-with-religious-wackjob.html

    Religion and lack of an education are a BAD fucking combo, man.

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  2. Damn it has been far to long since I have read anything from SykoShadow. As usual he is absolutely hilarious. I know that I can be a smart ass in real life, but I could only dream of being that quick witted.

    My vote goes for One nation under where?

    I remember that blog. Both her and the guy SykoShadow ran into seem far to common. Hell my mom is still dating the guy who thinks I'm going to hell for my lack of beliefs. At least he has given up on trying to "save me". I hate it when they say that. You can't save some one unless their in danger.

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  3. "I'm not mocking God, I'm mocking you. I'm scheduled to mock God tomorrow, after my weekly Atheist blood sacrifice to Cthulhu... 'cause, you know... we Atheists do that kind of shit when we're not praying to our science textbooks."

    XDXDXD

    That was my favorite part in this absolutely hilarious encounter

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