Friday, October 29, 2010
Ok, so I was just minding my gangsta, outside the local Popeye's with a 5-piece and fries, when some weird looking motherfucker in a suit and bowtie (not the cool kind) popped the fuck outta nowhere like a ninja Raptor Jesus. He starts talking to me about how nice the day is, chatting me up like I was some regular dude he hangs with every day. Then he whips out a Bible (the 1997 remastered New Testament version, the one where Jesus shoots first) and tells me he's collecting charity for his local church to raise funds to put up pro-Christian and anti-Atheist billboards up around the neighborhood to raise awareness of the growing problem of "young men and women turning away from God." I've already seen a few of these things around here, billboards that say stuff like "Without God, we are just one nation under ___" so I knew what he was talking about immediately (incidentally, I'm entertaining the notion of going to that billboard at night, and filling in the blank in "one nation under ___" by spray-painting "yo mama" on it, should I?).
So at first, I politely tell him that I cannot donate any money to his cause as I am not a Christian. I didn't tell him I was an Atheist at first because that's the stupidest fucking thing you could do in Central Florida. However, I am not one to shy away from openly admitting my beliefs, so I always tell people I'm an Atheist, but only if they specifically ask me what my religious denomination is (I guess that only makes me half-stupid). Sure enough, the fucker asked me "if you aren't a Christian, what are you?" Let it be known that, by asking me this, he set in motion this entire conversation. He coulda just let the matter be, but noooo!
This is where shit gets funny.
Shadow: I'm an Atheist.
Jesus Freak:... what?!
Shadow: It means I don't believe that any god exi--
Jesus Freak: I know what it means, thank you very much! I just didn't think any of you people lived in this neighborhood.
Shadow: Trust me Howdy Doody, I don't live here by choice.
Jesus Freak: Oh my Lord, what is wrong with young people today? Everywhere I go, there's always one person who thinks its cool to disrespect God and his chosen people!
Shadow: Only one Atheist in each place you go? If having a single Atheist in the neighborhood bothers you so much, you could always try the Midwest... or Egypt.
Jesus Freak: Don't get persnickety with me, boy!
Shadow: I don't know which word I'm more offended by, "boy" or "persnickety."
Jesus Freak: You think its funny to mock God?!
Shadow: I'm not mocking God, I'm mocking you. I'm scheduled to mock God tomorrow, after my weekly Atheist blood sacrifice to Cthulhu... 'cause, you know... we Atheists do that kind of shit when we're not praying to our science textbooks.
Jesus Freak: If you don't allow God into your heart, you'll burn in a special place in Hell designed just for godless people like you.
Shadow: First of all, isn't all of Hell designed for people who don't have God in their hearts? Secondly, I thought God was omnipotent, what's stopping him from going into whatever part of my body he wants?
Jesus Freak: YOU ARE!
Shadow: Holy shit, I have the power to stop God from doing shit? Tiiiiiight!
Jesus Freak: People like you deserve to suffer!
Shadow: And you deserve to wear that booshy-ass bowtie!
Sadly, he stormed off at that point, but it was a fun little conversation, and one I had to share.