Friday, December 10, 2010

Spike VGA's 2010 - My Votes

Written by Syko Shadow

Well, it's that time of year again, to have Spike TV embarass the entire gaming industry by trying to pull off some dipshit award show that focuses more on celebrity cameos than honest recognition of the greatest accomplishments of developers and publishers this year. The only reason anyone watches this award show is the ocassional debut of a new game, or premiere of a new trailer or some shit. We just put up with the awful award nominations and the Jersey Shore cast until the next game trailer.

But what the hell, let's humor Spike TV for now and pretend the VGA's are anything other than a completely goddamn stupid gaming minstrel show. I'm going to look through their award nominees and judge which ones I would vote for if it made any difference.
 
Of course, I am all too aware that Spike can't even choose their award nominees for shit, let alone choose the winners. So along with showing my votes in bold letters , if I see a certain nominee that I think just doesn't belong on the list at fucking all, I'm gonna go ahead and cross that motherfucker out, like so.


Without further ado, let's gaze upon these nominees.

Studio of the Year

- BioWare
- Blizzard Entertainment
- Bungie Studios
- Rockstar San Diego

This is honestly a hard choice. Partly because this category is tricky by itself, since it's hard to decipher what exactly the nomination credentials are. All the studios on this list have put out damn good games this year, but none of these studios really stand out. So they all made good games, so what? That's their job, to make good games. All the studios listed are already well-known developers who we expect to bring hot shit to the table, unlike last year when Rocksteady undoubtedly deserved this award for Batman: Arkham Asylum, a success on several fronts, both for the studio itself and for the entire gaming community. Ultimately, I chose BioWare because... Mass Effect 2, what else do you need to know?

Best Wii Game
- Donkey Kong Country Returns
- Kirby’s Epic Yarn
- Metroid: Other M
- Super Mario Galaxy 2

What the fuck is Other M doing on this list?! That game is a piece of shit! Who the fuck thought this deserved a nomination? Donkey Kong Country, on the other hand, wasn't even out yet as of the nominations, how in the hell can you nominate a game if nobody has played it yet? Incompetent fucks! Well, I guess that leaves the only two games who deserve to be on this list, and while I do love Epic Yarn's adorableness (especially when Kirby becomes a submarine... what a cute lil booboo!), Super Mario Galaxy 2 is leaps and bounds beyond it... except in cuteness. Seriously, if this was the award for Cutest Wii Game, Kirby's Epic Yarn would be nominated 4 times and it would win 3 times, only losing the fourth nomination to itself.

Best Xbox 360 Game
- Alan Wake
- Fable III
- Halo: Reach
- Mass Effect 2

I'll go ahead and give a spoiler for this very blog: Mass Effect 2 is my fucking Game of the Year, so of course it wins this award hands-down. Halo: Reach is a close second, Alan Wake doesn't interest me at all but other people like it, and Fable III is boring as piss no matter whose opinion says otherwise.

Best PS3 Game
- God of War III
- Heavy Rain
- ModNation Racers
- Red Dead Redemption

I don't have a PS3 myself, so I have to make due with what my homies are playing, but I know enough to know RDR is without a doubt the best game on this list. I have played the entirety of the game (albeit the 360 version), and it's a hell of a good time. It should be noted that I fucking hate westerns, and yet I wholly enjoyed this game. Now, I doubt I'll be rustling cattle or sticking my cock in a rancher's daughter anytime soon (now, a corporare executive's daughter is a whole other story), but for what it was, I enjoyed Red Dead Redemption alot more than I thought I would.

Best PC Game
- Fallout: New Vegas
- Mass Effect 2
- Sid Meier’s Civilization V
- StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty

Here's where I piss off hardcore Blizzard fans. Sorry, but New Vegas kicks ass, and Starcraft... meh. That's right, I said a Blizzard game was "meh!" What the fuck are you gonna do about it? I based this vote off the simple fact that, along with being a fantastic game in its own right, when the user-created mods for Fallout come out, it will fuck your mother through five dimensions. It's that awesome. Now excuse me, I think I feel the tectonic vibrations of a WoW player getting his pale fat ass out of his computer chair for the first time in 72 hours to hunt me down and PvP the shit out of me in retaliation for besmirching the gods of PC gaming. If I can deal with Scientologists, I can deal with nerds, no matter how high their XP or their BO is.

Best Handheld Game
- God of War: Ghost of Sparta
- Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
- Professor Layton and the Unwound Future
- Super Scribblenauts

Two words: Gentlemanly velociraptor. Now, type those two words into Super Scribblenauts, and a dinosaur wearing a monocle and top hat appears in your game and helps you on your adventures. Fuck you if you aren't convinced by that.

Best Shooter
- Battlefield: Bad Company 2
- BioShock 2
- Call of Duty: Black Ops
- Halo: Reach

Even if there were better nominees competing against it than the two military shooters and the little sequel that couldn't, Halo: Reach would still win. the Halo series focuses on one aspect in their gameplay that most shooters today don't seem to grasp: simple psychotic fun. No distractions like perks, leveling up, or Nazi zombies, just the pure cathartic pleasure of having 16 people blowing each other up with tanks and giant fucking lasers. As for why there are two games crossed out on this list, take one guess as to why.

Give up?

I absolutely detest military shooters. That's why!

Best Action-Adventure Game
- Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood
- God of War III
- Red Dead Redemption
- Super Mario Galaxy 2

Ugh, I hate this category. You do realize that all of those games are completely different from each other, right? One is a hack-n-slash, one is a platformer, and while Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood and Red Dead Redemption are both open-world games, their playstyles are drastically different. Action-Adventure is such an obscure name for a genre. Fuck, doesn't EVERY game have action and/or adventure? Fuck this, I refuse to vote in this category simply because I don't know what the fuck I'm voting for! They basically just threw 4 random games on a list and said "herp pick your favorite out of these, derp." Dumbasses. I can't even cross any out, because I don't fucking know what the criteria is for a game to be a good "action-adventure." So you know what, screw it. I'm crossing out the fucking category itself. Suck it, Spike TV

Best RPG
- Fable III
- Fallout: New Vegas
- Final Fantasy XIII
- Mass Effect 2

It was pretty easy not to vote for Fable III or Final Fantasy, and even easier to cross them out. Isn't Fable III more of an action game anyway? Last time I checked, they gimped the RPG aspects of Fable III harder than BioWare did with Mass Effect 2. This award should go to the game with the best RPG mechanics, not so much the game's overall quality, which should only come into play if two games are at a match for good RPG-ness. Fable III has neither good RPG mechanics or overall quality, and Final Fantasy XIII has a 20 hour tutorial. Fuck that. However, it pains me to not vote for Mass Effect 2, but the fact is clear even to a rabid Mass Effect fan like me that the game is not as good of an RPG as New Vegas. As an overall game, ME2 is a masterpiece that must be revered for decades to come and one of the most beautiful games around, but its RPG elements are weak. Besides, Mass Effect doesn't have Hardcore Mode. I know this is fucking weird to say, but I love having to feed, hydrate and rest myself in a game like Fallout, now THAT'S role-playing!

Best Multiplayer Game
- Battlefield: Bad Company 2
- Call of Duty: Black Ops
- Halo: Reach
- StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty

Oh noez! I voted for a Halo game, therefore I must be a fanboy because CoD is the best multiplayer game around! Suck my ass, I could give a shit. The simple fact is, I rarely play multiplayer, and when I do it's at a friend's house more often than my own (especially since I refuse to pay for Xbox LIVE anymore) so stats and crap don't apply to me since my gamertag isn't online very often. So a game that requires me to level up my multiplayer character to get the full experience can go choke on a hobo's meaty cock. I'm sorry that I find the idea of perks, killstreaks and level-up systems in multiplayer games absolutely fucking annoying.

Best Individual Sports Game
- EA Sports MMA
- Shaun White Skateboarding
- Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11
- UFC Undisputed 2010

Fuck this, next!

Best Team Sports Game
- FIFA Soccer 11
- Madden NFL 11
- NBA 2K11
- MLB ’10: The Show

I really don't play annual licensed sports games, but I vote for NBA 2K 11 for a couple of reasons:

1) I love basketball
2) I love Michael Jordan
3) It's NOT made by EA Sports, my least favorite company of all time (hence why the two EA Sports games on this list are crossed out)

Best Driving Game
- Blur
- ModNation Racers
- Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit
- Split/Second

My love for this game is so strong, I can even look past all the bullshit EA makes you go through to play it. I have been salivating for this game since E3. The original Hot Pursuit was not only my first racing game, it was one of the first games I ever played, and even if it didn't share the same name as one of my cherished childhood games, this game is sexy in its own right. Sexy cars, sexy speed, sexy visuals, I just want to fuck this ga-- ehhh... nevermind, I'd rather not finish that sentence.

Best Music Game
- Dance Central
- DJ Hero 2
- Def Jam Rapstar
- Rock Band 3

this entire category can go play in traffic for all I care.

Best Soundtrack
- Def Jam Rapstar
- DJ Hero 2
- Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock
- Rock Band 3

Really... out of all the games to pick this year for this category, they ONLY picked these ones... fuck this genre, man.

Best Song in a Game
- Basket Case by Green Day
- Black Rain by Soundgarden
- Far Away by José González
- GoldenEye by Nicole Scherzinger
- Replay/Rude Boy Mashup by Iyaz & Rihanna
- Won’t Back Down by Eminem

This is another stupid category. How can you make a list like this? You can't possibly accomodate for every gamer's personal taste in music. Out of hundreds of songs licensed in games this year, they somehow managed to pick the 6 songs thats most people would agree to? Hell, the only reason I crossed out four of those songs is simply because I don't like them or the people who perform those songs. I basically chose GoldenEye by default, since it's the only song on here that's universally awesome.

Best Original Score
- God of War III
- Halo: Reach
- Mass Effect 2
- Red Dead Redemption

Jack Wall is a goddamn genius composer, and he brought his A-game with the OST for Mass Effect 2, easily one-upping any OST from any game or movie in recent memory. Thanks to the Mass Effect series, Jack Wall is officially my favorite videogame music composer. I honestly haven't loved an original music score this much since... honestly, since the original Star Wars movies.

Best Graphics
- God of War III
- Heavy Rain
- Kirby’s Epic Yarn
- Red Dead Redemption

That's right, I said it... Kirby looks better than any of these other games! It's the most colorful and visually pleasing game on this list easily... and whenever Kirby turns into a widdle submarine, I just go "awwwww!"

Best Adapted Video Game
- LEGO: Harry Potter: Years 1-4
- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game
- Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions
- Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
- Transformers: War for Cybertron

Once again, we have a winner by default. I wasn't really all that impressed with the new Transformers game, it has numerous flaws in terms of fan service, but it's still ok. I didn't hate myself for playing it, so that's a good thing I suppose. I'm just not into Harry Potter or Scott Pilgrim, LEGO or not. As for Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II... they both suck. they don't belong here. Both games ate cock. Especially the Force Unleashed II. What a terrible fucking game. I fucking love Star Wars, but this game is worse than having a game's plot linked to an Orson Scott Card novel.

Best Performance by a Human Male
- Daniel Craig as James Bond
- Gary Oldman as Sgt. Reznov
- John Cleese as Jasper
- Martin Sheen as Illusive Man
- Nathan Fillion as Sergeant Edward Buck
- Neil Patrick Harris as Peter Parker/Amazing Spider-Man
- Rob Wiethoff as John Marston
- Sam Worthington as Alex Mason

A weird selection of nominees, but whatever. Now, there is one thing that bugs me here... why the fuck is Nathan Fillion on here? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the man myself (Browncoat and proud of it), but he wasn't really in Halo: Reach... at all. His character from ODST is usable in Firefight, and he has a few snippets of dialogue for battle cries, but is that really enough to get him on this list? I smell bullshit, and by bullshit I mean Spike TV is just name-dropping a celebrity to make their nominee list look cool. Because why would we want this award show to actually be about videogames? What we really want is for the Jersey Shore cast to make a return this year. As for Sam Worthington... fuck him. I just plain don't like him, end of story. Now, as to why I did vote for Martin Sheen as Illusive Man...

It's Martin FUCKING Sheen... enough said!

Best Performance by a Human Female
- Dame Judi Dench as M
- Danica Patrick as Herself
- Emmanuelle Chriqui as The Numbers Lady
- Felicia Day as Veronica
- Jennifer Hale as Commander Shepard
- Kristen Bell as Lucy Stillman
- Tricia Helfer as Sarah Kerrigan
- Yvonne Strahovski as Miranda Lawson

Let me set the record straight here: the female version of Shepard is superior in every way to every single other nominee on this list. Jennifer Hale is a superb voice actress, one of my favorite in videogames, voicing my absolute favorite character of this generation, the female Commander Shepard.

Now that's settled... can someone explain to me how in the fuck Danica Patrick is on this list? Credited as HERSELF?? What, did she copy 50 Cent's idea and have a videogame starring a fictionalized version of herself made? Hopefully it's not one that has her fight terrorists for a crystal skull. My guess is, she was a voice guide to a tutorial in a NASCAR game or some shit, I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if the game that got her nominated was a fucking GoDaddy.com Flash game from Newgrounds or some shit. Spike TV will accept any excuse to name-drop a celebrity into a gaming award category, fucking shameful.

Best Downloadable Game
- Costume Quest
- Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
- Monday Night Combat
- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game

People say that Monday Night Combat is too similar to Team Fortress 2. I say that's why I'm voting for it. Class-based red vs. blue battles with tower defense gameplay mixed in, you can't go wrong.

Best DLC
- BioShock 2: Minerva’s Den
- Borderlands: The Secret Armory of General Knoxx
- Mass Effect 2: Lair of the Shadow Broker
- Red Dead Redemption – Undead Nightmare

Big shocker, I vote for Mass Effect 2 again... look, I love this game, and you will just have to accept that! (even you, magx!)

There are some people who say that Lair of the Shadow Broker is one of the best missions, if not THE best mission in all of Mass Effect 2. They would not be lying.

Best Independent Game
- Joe Danger
- Limbo
- Super Meat Boy
- The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom

Oh wow, they didn't even look anywhere other than Xbox LIVE Arcade and PSN, did they? There's not a single game here from Xbox LIVE Indie Games, or from the list of PC indie games that are the lifeblood of the genre. But they want me to choose from their poorly-constructed list, fine. Super Meat Boy wins my vote hands-down. It's got gobs of content, awesome presentation, great imagination, and it's one of the few games that is both accessible and head-bashingly, wrist-slittingly, spouse-beatingly difficult at the same time.

Most Anticipated Game
- Batman: Arkham City
- BioShock: Infinite
- Gears of War 3
- Portal 2

No, I can't do it. I said I CAN'T! you can't possibly ask me to choose between Batman and Portal! It cannot be done. I can honestly say I would seriously consider sucking a cock for early access to both of these games.

Game of the Year
- Call of Duty: Black Ops
- God of War III
- Halo: Reach
- Mass Effect 2
- Red Dead Redemption

Words cannot describe my feelings for Mass Effect. Not just the first game, or the sequel, but the entire franchise. It is without a doubt, in my mind at least, the single greatest sci-fi videogame series ever made. It rivals even Star Wars in terms of its universe, characters, mythos, and epic storytelling. Only after first playing Mass Effect 2 did I realize how amazing this series could be, and how amazing it already is. For any small flaws this game has, whether it's a lack of deep RPG mechanics (which, let's face it, wasn't really in the first game either) or whatever reasons that seem petty in the long run, few games, if any, can deliver what Mass Effect 2 has. There are few games that even garner my interest these days, most of them being boring, gritty, unimaginative cash-ins, but Mass Effect more than makes up for all the Call of Duty's of the world. Just like I can watch the original Star Wars films, my favorite movies of all time, over and over again without losing my excitement with each viewing, I can play Mass Effect 2 numerous times (around 6 playthroughs so far) and always eagerly anticipate the next mission, conversation or experience no matter how many times I've already seen it.

All in all, Mass Effect 2 proved to me that maybe I'm wrong, and the magic feeling that movies and videogames used to have isn't quite gone yet.

3 comments:

  1. Why the FUCK is RDR in the PS3 category? That overrated crapfest was a multiplatform game, damn it!

    Why the FUCK is Fallout New Vegas in the PC category? That game is also a multiplatform game!

    FUCKING MORONS! Moving on....

    Studio: BULLSHIT. Where's PlatinumGames? A new studio is created, and they bang out 4 games in 2 years, each in a different genre; 2 of them are good/maybe great (MadWorld and Infinite Space), and 2 of them, Vanquish and the almighty BAYONETTA take a different genre, (shooter and hack n slash, respectively) and EVOLVE THE FUCK OUT OF THEM! I'm not a huge shooter fan, but two hours or so I played of Vanquish told me that once I get my rental plan back, I MUST PLAY THAT GAME. Holy FUCK was that cool. And the reviewers agreed. That game scored high 9's, WITHOUT MULTIPLAYER, in a genre that basically DEMANDS multiplayer! Gametrailers scored the gameplay aspect of the game (you know, the most important part) 9.7 for FUCK'S SAKE! NINE POINT SEVEN!

    And then of course, you have BAYONETTA. I already posted the best review of the game on the internet (yes, I fucking said it) so there's not much I need to say other than THE FACT THAT THEY MADE THIS GAME ALONE SHOULD GRANT THEM A SPOT ON THE LIST. Add to the fact that they ALSO MADE A FUCKING KILLER SHOOTER and I say HIGHWAY ROBBERY! And they are a NEW Studio!!!

    Moving on.....

    Best Individual Sports Game
    - EA Sports MMA
    - Shaun White Skateboarding
    - Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11
    - UFC Undisputed 2010

    Fuck this, next!
    LMAO!!!!!!!!

    Moving on.....

    Best Music Game
    - Dance Central
    - DJ Hero 2
    - Def Jam Rapstar
    - Rock Band 3

    this entire category can go play in traffic for all I care.

    Best Soundtrack
    - Def Jam Rapstar
    - DJ Hero 2
    - Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock
    - Rock Band 3

    Really... out of all the games to pick this year for this category, they ONLY picked these ones... fuck this genre, man.

    * CLAPS *

    Moving on.....

    Force Unleashed and FUII do suck, and thank you for fucking saying so. What SHITTY hack n slash games.

    Moving on.....

    Big shocker, I vote for Mass Effect 2 again... look, I love this game, and you will just have to accept that! (even you, magx!)

    FUCK YOU.

    And fuck you for picking that shit over general knoxx. Do you KNOW what that DLC consists of? It's practically a fucking whole new game for $10. I HATE most DLC, and I bought it!
    FUCK YOU again.

    Cont'd:

    ReplyDelete
  2. Moving on.....

    WOW, look at the GOTY list.....same fucking games over and over and over, and most of them are retreads, rehashes, and shit. Once again, WHERE THE FUCK IS BAYONETTA? I am sure I sound like a 'fanboy' or whatever, but seriously, the game took the genre to a new level (ignoring the existence of Ninja Gaiden Black, of course, but that game needs to be ignored for any other game to be considered the best at anything, because it's the Mona Lisa of video games....* cough * fanboy * cough *) and it gets completely ignored.

    Seriously, here's a quick bulletin point list:

    -Combat is literally sublime. I could write a 10,000 word essay on it. Let's just leave it at sublime.

    -Level design is incredible, especially late game. VERY innovative, cool, and fun.

    -Lots of change and progression; never bored. Motorcycle sections were actually FUN

    -TONS of unclockables, secrets, cheats, and replay value. Not ONE bit of content held out for DLC.

    -Fantastic boss fights. Great mix of huge behemoths and mind bending encounters with small bosses, for example, the fights with Jean where you fight on the walls and ceiling!!

    -Difficulty changes not just enemy HP but placement and behaviour. Nonstop infinite climax mode removes witch time!

    -You drive a motorcycle into space and fight god (Jubileus). YOU FUCKING DRIVE INTO SPACE

    Now, there are two cons:

    -Not hard enough. For one, the AI is too passive, imo. I know it's a game in the vein of DMC< where it's style over survival, and believe me, the combat is AMAZING, but still, as Itagaki once said, in other games, the AI exists for you to kill them. In Ninja Gaiden, the AI is there to kill you.

    Also, despite complaints to the contrary, NSIC mode was still not hard enough. I blew through it. It wasn't piss easy, but to be good enough to tackle Master Ninja on NGB took MONTHS of NG play. I beat NSIC a couple of weeks after buying the game. I died on MN (and PoTMN in NGII) like 1000000 times. I think I might have died 30 or so times on NSIC. Shit, I died 40, yes 40!! fucking times trying to reach the FIRST FUCKING CHECKPOINT the first time I played Ninja Gaiden Black on Master Ninja. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT lol. If I had played Bayonetta HALF as much as I have played NG, I would have beat it without dying once, guaranteed. Oh, and btw, I only died in NSIC mode because I refused to use health potions unless I really had to, and even then I balked. So most of the deaths were avoidable.

    And:

    -Repeat boss encounters. A staple of the genre, but a valid complaint, if one were to make it.

    Moving on.....

    For any small flaws this game has, whether it's a lack of deep RPG mechanics (which, let's face it, wasn't really in the first game either)

    Bullshit, dickface. It wasn't deep compared to traditional rpg's but it was a true hybrid, unlike your duck n cover pew pew no exploration bullshit that was Mass Effect 2. FUCK that game.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have now pissed me off sufficiently to make me start writing a blog response to this/my own version of it.

    So thanks, and go fuck yourself, because I wasn't planning on blogging today :)

    Good job on this, was a fun read. Also, WHERE THE FUCK HAS DRAGONYMOS been?

    ReplyDelete

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