Top Ten Divorce Lawyer Dirty Tricks

Top Ten Tricks of Scumbags Known as “Family Law Attorneys”

1. The bankruptcy trick.

Here is how it works……. In the property division portion of the trial, the “wife” and her life sucking leach will let you keep most of your stuff. You know, your classic cars and motorcycles, toys, property in your family for years, etc. {don’t worry, she’ll throw out all the smaller mementos of your life, in violation of the temporary order, to make the math easier} In exchange, you have to pay the princess a cash settlement based on splitting all the bills due minus the assets each person takes. Sounds fair, right? --deleted-- NO! What happens is that, shortly after the divorce, pumpkin declares bankruptcy. Now guess who is responsible for ALL the bills. Yes, you. The nice part is that if you declare bankruptcy to get rid of those marital bills, your ex sweetheart’s cash payout is not subject to the bankruptcy proceedings. Your credit is now --deleted--ed and you will have to pay her the cash the judge promised her. They will seize property (including bank accounts), garnish wages, etc. in order to help out the former Mrs. X.

Solution: What you need to do is make sure that you put on the record, say to the judge during the trial, “Your Honor, I stipulate to the property division as put forth by Ms. _______ ,and her counsel, with the following caveat: In the event that a party declares bankruptcy within ten years of the divorce, that party shall not be entitled to any cash settlement from the other and any payments made as part of a cash equalization payment shall be returned by order of the court.” Then smile and shut up. If they pull this on you, you need to have this on the record. The judge can agree with this or not, her attorney will flip out that you are on to this trick and certainly protest. Let him make an ass of himself or herself. When they finish, simply state that “to do otherwise is to open the door for a future civil case of unjust enrichment and I realize the court is busy and may not wish to reopen this matter, under relief from judgment statutes, at a later time.”


2. The “Magical Order” trick.

You’ll like this one. You go to court and get basically what you want, justice. Then a week or so later you get a copy of the proposed order. Well, holy --deleted--, the order has things that were never discussed or ordered or has it just plain wrong. This is definitely NOT what the judge ordered. How did this mistake happen? It isn’t a mistake. The other attorney knows that these things are usually rubber stamped by a judge’s secretary and they aren’t going through the transcripts to see if the lawyer accurately wrote down what the judge ordered. The judge has lots of cases to handle. In most cases, he will not remember, and will take the “scumbag attorney” at his word.

Solution:A week before the hearing, or trial, submit a “request for audio recording” of the action. If it is denied, and it is a one party consent state, tape the thing yourself secretly. Once they know you are on to this trick, by your request for a recorded hearing, they will be more “careful” when they word the order. When you get the proposed order, review it immediately. You generally have five days to object before it is made final. If it is wrong, make sure you object. If your objections are overruled, let them know that “the audiotape I possess clearly shows the order is wrong.” Threaten to contact your States attorney ethics board if you are being ignored. Be nice at first. Never lose your temper.


3. The Disappearing mail trick.

You can trust the one who agreed to “better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health”, right. No. You can’t. You get something in the mail that says basically “hey, you failed to show up for _______ (mediation, court hearing, required appointment, etc.). Since you didn’t care enough to show, we bent you over the bench in effigy and ass raped you. Have a nice day and --deleted-- off.” You think “well, I never got a notice of that”. How could I get the ass rape letter and not the initial notice ? It just can’t be. Sure it can. Little miss innocent simply knew when the original notice was mailed and had someone (bad boy, player, thug) intercept your mail. What? That’s not fair. Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that she got a default judgment, or something else to her benefit, because you didn’t show. And now the judge thinks you don’t care. He will not likely believe someone tampered with your mail and you probably cannot prove it anyhow. And now he is pissed off at you.

Solution: Get a post office box. Send registered letters, return receipt requested, to the court, child support agency, ex’s attorney if she is represented (or her if she isn’t yet) and EVERYBODY ELSE INVOLVED that formally notifies them of this change. Do not say why as it makes you look like a whiner. Just do it. Do it as soon as the action is filed. Check this PO Box every day.


4. Keeping your Stuff.

After the divorce is filed, (OK, let’s be serious…after she files) you will be served with a temporary order that bars removing personal property, hiding assets, harassing the other party, etc. If she violates this order and cleans out the house, which her attorney will advise her to do, you will probably never get your stuff back. If you do this to her, after you get served with the order, you will possibly be in trouble if they can prove it. It sucks to lose all the stuff you paid for and spent years getting, especially if the wife never helped and *****ed about you having all that stuff. Never mind the ***** has four big boxes of new shoes in the garage that you paid for.

Solution: First, let me be clear, I do not advocate breaking the law. IF YOU ARE CAUGHT, you will get into more trouble (sometimes it’s worth it). However, it really sucks that life isn’t always fair. Sucks for you AND sucks for her. Also, bear in mind, if she can prove that an asset was there and now is gone, it can be included in the property settlement if it disappeared in the YEAR before the divorce. So…..Seriously guys….. Most of us knew, or should have known, the divorce was coming. If you are married, and clean out the house, BEFORE you get served, it’s yours. She will have to prove that you have all that “stuff”. Hard to value it for the property division if it isn’t there. Use a friend you can trust and get a storage shed in his name and store “YOUR” stuff there. Get one a few miles away from where you live. Secure your documents (birth certificate(s), vehicle titles, insurance documents, etc) in a fire proof safe at a safe location. Her attorney will tell her to steal, oops I mean “secure”, them before the divorce. Do not give them the chance. Keep your mouth shut about this. If you are married, and less than 100% happy, realize you are on a slippery slope. Put your documents in a safe place NOW. The time, money and stress these missing documents will cause is staggering. That’s why they take them. In court, the phrase “your honor, I do not have any of the items that they are referring to” will be your friend.

5. Property values for the division

What will happen is that her attorney will assist her in placing a value on all of the property that will be divided. You lucky dog! Just think how much time this will save you. NOT! What they will do is assign a value to your stuff that is far in excess of what it is worth. Her stuff will, of course, be used junk (with a value of next to nothing). That heirloom diamond ring from her grandma is now cubic zirconium. The gold jewelry just gold “plated”. She may take crap jewelry to an appraiser to show “proof” to the judge. She’s likely had all your stuff appraised already. The result is that she gets money from value that they “adjusted”.

Solution: Save thousands. Make detailed lists of everything you both own. Return the favor. Everything you have is worthless crap and all her stuff is “really, really nice”. Use Ebay auction wins (only when it’s incredibly low) to show value of your stuff. Anything over $50, print it off for proof. Value all her stuff using “new” values, low miles, added accessories, etc. What will happen…..99% of the time, the judge will simply pick a number halfway between yours and hers. After all, once he gets done screwing you, he has a golf game. Probably with her attorney.


6. Justice. Equality. Fairness.

Ha Ha. No. You won’t likely see any of this. This is a myth to get you to participate. You are a slave to the government. They aren’t on your side, but hers. They are also on the side of the attorneys. It’s all about the $$$. You get the justice you can afford. Judges do not have to follow the law. If they screw up, and they do often, you cannot sue them. The best you can do is appeal the decision. It’s expensive, time consuming and, if your case is found to be flawed on appeal,….. All they do is to send it back to the original biased, corrupt and incompetent judge that ruled on it in the beginning. It’s doubtful he has had a change of heart, suddenly “saw the light”, increased his intelligence or is thrilled that you got his “higher ups” to review him and find him wrong. He won’t be happy to see you again. Remember, every dollar they collect in child support from you, they get a dollar from the bankrupt federal government. This money goes into the “general fund”. This is the same fund that pays judges salaries. Conflict of Interest? Sure it is. Anything you can do about it. Maybe, but doubtful.

What do they call the guy who got the lowest passing score on the bar exam? Your honor. Honor my ass.

Solution: The best one. Do not get married. Do not have kids. Ok. You really screwed up and got married or had kids. Now what? Relax. You are screwed, but getting an ulcer or heart attack only helps her. Keep your cool. The following is a way to minimize the damage. Whatever you do, unless you know the judge personally AND HE LIKES YOU, file a substitution of judge motion. Her attorney picked the one that he thinks will get his client the best deal. You have the right to one judge substitution for any reason. Any judge, other than their hand picked one, will be better, or maybe less worse. After money, the biggest factor in play is getting the judge to like you. Don’t try to kiss his ass. He will not be fooled and your tits aren’t big enough to interest him. Get a scumbag, er I mean lawyer, but explain to them what you expect. Explain to them that, if they plain suck, you will fire them. Can’t afford an attorney? That’s part of their plan. Now you have to do it Pro Se. This is called “screwing yourself”, but may be all you have. I fired my attorney and did better than he did by far. No alimony, no child support (now), joint custody (50/50 placement) and I owe ten grand in the property settlement. It took years and cost her parents thousands. I was Pro Se well over 90% and that cost me lots of time and less than $100. Get good info from your state statutes. Write down your argument in legal briefs. Have this filed with the court and submit everything to the Judge, her attorney and all other parties in advance. Do your homework. Never lose your cool in court. Stand up for yourself. Do not allow yourself to be bullied or intimidated. That overpaid buffoon in the batman costume is a man just like you. Always answer the judge directly in short {well thought out}, precise, one sentence answers. Hold up your hand, not over your head (this isn’t kindergarten) and wait for the judge to let you speak. Avoid slang terminology. Do not read the judge the law when he is wrong. Instead refer him to the law on page ___ of your brief. Sit in on a bunch (as many as you can) of divorce cases in your county, preferably not with this judge, and see how things work. If the judge ignores the law, he loses jurisdiction, and his order is void. If he does this, point it out POLITELY. You will need to appeal. Do the best you can. Smile. It will make the judge wonder what you are up to.

One important tip if you have to go on your own. Dress nicely and shave. Fill the courtroom with “your” people. Friends, relatives, homeless guys at $5 per head or whatever are great, but admonish them to say nothing. Judges hate to screw people in public. It gives them a bad image. Give some of these people writing materials and have them take notes. It may give the judge the impression that the press or other dignitaries are there. There are books on divorce for men. Get to the library and read them. Practice speaking in public.

7. The “Temporary Orders” Trick

What happens is that “cupcake” and her lawyer try and convince you to take less than you should in one of the hearings for a temporary order. The problem is there really is no temporary order. Most temporary orders are extended and amount to the final order. Sometimes they will attempt to convince you that this will be in the best interests of the kid(s) or that, by “playing nice”, it will look better for you at the next hearing.

Solution: Do not fall for this Trojan Horse. You need to be fully aware of what will happen. This is the time that “mom” and her friends and relatives will use to brainwash and alienate the children. Her parents will lavish them with gifts and help them remember every “incident” of abuse, stress, fights, etc. that probably never happened. Best advice….. never budge an inch when it comes to your children and your own best interests. It will make you look weak. Sharks can smell blood very well.

8. The lie of Imputed Income

Imputed income is a legal term for “--deleted-- you, we guessed”. What happens is that, in order to help spread your wealth to the ex, the court and her attorney will evaluate how much you make from tax documents and other sources. There are certain formulas the court “must use” in determining child support and alimony in each state. Legally, they must use these formulas. Realistically, they do whatever they want. One easy way to get around these formulas is to “impute” income to you. This means they give the judge a number and tell him this is how much you “could” or “should” make given your job, work history, location, experience, etc. Now, instead of paying 25% of $50,000 for support, you pay 25% of $100,000. In this example, this nets her an extra $12,500 each year. On the bright side{sarcasm}, you still get to pay taxes on this money you never made. If you do get an extra job to increase your earnings, you will likely get called back to court so that the initial scam can be increased. Refuse to pay? It’s called contempt of court. No due process rights and no sympathy. There is a federal law that, even if there is a mistake, they cannot go back to correct the amount of arrears. They will put you in jail. While you are there, you will be charged the regular amount of support due at 1 ½ % interest per month. They will suspend your driver’s license, any professional licenses and report this to all the credit agencies.

Solution: You really need to be ready for this one. Expect it. Come prepared for court with all your tax documents as far back as you can. It is very helpful if these are joint returns that she has signed. If they try to claim you are hiding income, explain that she has signed these returns, under penalty of perjury, and this IS how much you make and have made. They will likely mention an “innocent spouse exception” for the IRS and say she knew you made more than what you both said, but went along out of fear. Smile and laugh quietly. The IRS is worse than the court and will want a pound of flesh from her, too. Her attorney is aware of this and will then try a different tact.

Research case law in your state and supreme court decisions in this matter. It is improper for the court to impute income unless you shirk your parental responsibilities by hiding income or working less to avoid support. Put this case law in your legal brief. Make sure you are working at least a minimum wage job at 35 hours per week. If you do that, they cannot legally impute income to you. Make sure you say “I fully intend to follow the order of the court in regards to support, but can only pay what does not put me under the poverty level and what is consistent with the standard guidelines”. The only way to get this changed is with an expensive appeal, so remember to halt it in its tracks. This is generally done to self employed men. If you are self employed, take some time and get a regular job that pays the same for a while if you can. Sometimes another self employed guy who has been in the same boat can do this for you until you get the final order.

9. False “abuse” Allegations

You can count on seeing this bull--deleted-- if you are a man. You were mean to her, you were mean to the kid(s), you kicked the dog and choked her cat. Expect this. These outright fabrications will no doubt be written in some journal or diary, probably years worth written with the same color ink. What a crock of --deleted--. The times will be noted like this….. Tuesday, May 5th, 2008 at 4:07PM (it was cloudy and warm)…… Seriously. They will be so well documented because they are made up long after the actual NON INCIDENT. They are fake. Fabrication, unsubstantiated allegations, outright lies, invention and conjecture. Because it is more believable, allegations of sexual abuse will more likely be made if you were dumb enough to marry a single mother. Those are her kids and guess who they will side with in all of this? Don’t be surprised if the teen step-daughter you helped at every turn now says you spied on her in the shower. How will you prove you didn’t? Simple, you cannot. Any questions about who the judge will believe? Oh, they have some DNA that matches you that was found in her underwear. Impossible? No, too --deleted--ing easy. All she has to do is snag a pair of mom’s dirty underwear, put them on, and go down for the rape exam. You yelled, slammed doors and she had to get a restraining order because she feared for her kids and their safety. Even if these are your biological children, this will be used against you.

Solution: First, no matter what, never meet the ex to “talk” unless it is in front of a judge or mediator. DO NOT --deleted--ING DO IT!!! Never be alone with her kids especially if they are female teens. She says she signed off on the restraining order….. Really? If she did, the cops and court will notify you of that. Do not believe a word she says. Her attorney is even less credible than she is. Next, keep your own journal of EVERYTHING that happens. Never use threatening language or show anger. Be factual and accurate. Include the names of witnesses. If you can record her without her knowing, and this is legal where you reside, do it. Make sure you push her buttons, just like she will do to you, before you start recording.

As soon as you know what is going on….. go see a counselor about your fears regarding this vindictive woman who has threatened to do these things to you. Fill the counselor in on how she has threatened you and how you fear it will affect you and your children. Bring your journal where you have noted the details of these threats to “screw” you. If you have kids, bring them on the second appointment. Let the kids talk to her (or him) alone, right away, only if you know they can communicate without just repeating what their mom coached them on. This is a gamble because she was likely planning all this before you had any idea. Know the names of your child’s teachers. Talk to them at school conferences. Know the name of the primary care doctor your children see. You will be asked these things to determine how involved you are in your children’s lives. Know their favorite color and who their best friends are. Volunteer at every turn to work with kids in a safe setting (Boy’s and Girl’s Club, Cub Scouts, Youth Sports, etc.) It is even better if your kids are involved with these activities and impartial witnesses can see you interacting with them. Always note any and all activities you and the kids do. Most important, this is not the kid’s fault. You --deleted--ed up and married. Women use the kids as weapons enough on their own. If her attorney hand picks a guardian ad litem, get a different one (preferably from out of town). If there are police reports, get copies of them. Better for you if they detail her “crazy” behavior and not yours. Never lose your cool with her or the kids no matter how much she deserves it.

10. You Cannot Win

Your ex and her attorney will try to drill this into your head at every turn. They are against you. They will lie. The corrupt judge will ignore you and the law. The police do not care and are just an extension of the court. This is all in attempt to get you to give up.

Solution: Don’t get married and do not have kids. You cannot win, but you can minimize the damage. You can make them spend a lot more money than you do. If you lie down and give up, it just makes it that much easier to screw the next guy. Just remember, whatever it takes to be rid of the treacherous leach, it is worth it. A lot of men lose everything in a divorce. Let’s turn that around. No one can take your dignity, self respect and honor unless you give it to them.