Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Today's topic is, as the title so succinctly suggests, the N word!
And by N word, I mean "nigger." (Chappelle's Show reference FTW)
Obviously, it's a bad word for a good reason. Since its inception, the word "nigger" has been associated with the oppression and racism towards black people that has defined the United States since before it became a nation. But for such a bad word, there sure is alot of debate over who can and cannot use the word, or its cousin "nigga" (or "nyugga" if you gettin' fancy), in modern society. Some believe that only black people themselves have any right to use any version of the word without fear of social backlash, some wish to see other races free to use the word to exercise free speech, and some want the word flat-out banned as it is a painful and vulgar word that nobody should WANT to use.
So where do I fit in all of this?
Friday, May 9, 2014
The Day of the Pill's Release:
-Some new agency, some place. The pill that turns nagging into orgasms released today and immediately sold a bagillion copies. Seventy trillion female orgasms in the course of the last hour have resulted in worldwide earthquakes, killing hundreds of thousands. The remaining people on Earth all agree that it was worth it. The twitter hashtag #sorrybutitwasworthit has been fighting for number one spot all day alongside the tag #omgomgomgomg
We'll have more on this story in the weeks to follow.
Monday, April 14, 2014
-Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the directors of Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Vampires Suck. These people are actually worse than Michael Bay, Uwe Boll, Ed Wood, and whatever fucking tool directed the Twlight movies COMBINED. Their movies are like the flaky sticky scum buildup under the scrotum of a Mississippi redneck who hasn't bathed in two years. You can't even say they make bad movies. They don't make movies, they make cinematic dogshit. Two retched, painful hours of brainless slapstick which usually degrades to mindlessly beating someone up in the most absurdly retarded way possible, pop culture references (which mostly consist of a poor impersonation/caricature of a celebrity that's on the top Yahoo! searches list at the time), and occasionally an actual attempt at a joke with a punchline that always ends up to be so unfunny it actually makes me physically cringe when I hear it. From the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourselves.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
....And then there's the fact that I was stoned. Not exactly the most comfortable place to be when you're high but man did it amplify the experience. I'll get to that in a bit though. My cohorts and I took a seat. I hadn't sat in one of those seats for years, and it was a church of all places, but I did experience a small sense of a faint whiff of welcoming. My ass recoiled and sighed with familiarity at the same time, but I digress.
We were a few minutes early so I took the time to look around and take in the scene. Like most catholic churches, the place is a strange mix of welcoming and foreboding. The architectural design is aesthetically pleasing and it's clear that the workmanship was solid and finely detailed, but I cannot deny the fact that it did strike me as also being intentionally designed in such a grandiose fashion that it ventured beyond "look how grand this is" to perhaps a small (and possibly imagined on my part, sure) hint of "and look how small you are." It could be simple cynicism on my part, but as you will soon read, the mass itself also seemed to be designed with the intention of engendering in those in attendance a sense of less than. There certainly was a lot of prostrating oneself involved in the actual mass itself.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Eh, maybe.....or maybe not.
See, I have come across some rather disturbing evidence that his death, while it was in fact a heart attack, was actually the result of an absolute unwillingness, on his part, to eat vegetables, and this cause was actually known to the coroner and others involved in caring for Mr. Gandolfini but the truth of the matter has been suppressed by pasta and meatballs industry. Lobbyists from the industry descended upon Rome immediately upon the news of his death going public; the goal of this was of course to put pressure on those involved in the investigation to ensure that no mention of pasta, meatballs or vegetables (the presence of the former and regarding the latter, a lack thereof) was made in either any official reports or any press conferences or interviews.
I cannot reveal how I cam across this disturbing information but suffice it to say the fact that vegetables tasted less like pasta and meatballs and more like, well, vegetables, was the cause of death and this fact was forcibly kept from the public due to the presence of and pressure by the pasta and meatballs lobby.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Not only would they be everywhere, if they had the ability to haunt life would be absolutely fucking unbearable because everything would be haunted.
Get it together people. You can rest easy tonight, okay? There are no ghost pterodactyls flying around your bed.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Woman: Love us? You made us from man's rib in order to keep a man named Adam company in a shitty garden filled with cursed fruit and deceitful talking snakes and then blamed us for the fallout.
God: haha, I so did that.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
"IOC leaders dropped wrestling from the Olympic program on Tuesday, a surprise decision that removes one of the oldest Olympic sports from the 2020 Games.
The IOC executive board decided to retain modern pentathlon — the event considered most at risk — and remove wrestling instead from its list of 25 "core sports."
In a move that shocked many more (those who aren't paying much attention to our culture) they further stated that wrestling would be replaced with "Speed Tweeting" a "sport" (assuming one could consider it as such) that consists of a group of "athletes" sending out 100 character "tweets" as quickly as possible during an allotted time-frame:
"Tweets" must be coherent and use proper spelling/grammar to be counted towards a competitor's score.
One possible competitor for the 2020 games is thirteen year old Riley, a North Carolina girl who, when interviewed for this story, stated that speed tweeting was "really fun but really hard." When pressed for details she had this to say "Your thumbs get really sore, and so my mom and dad take me to weekly thumb massages, and I also get one day off of school a week to rest them (note: yes, she is referring to her thumbs) so that I will be injury free when it comes time to compete."
At the time of this writing, Riley is able to send out 40 "tweets" per minute. I can't say I'm excited to see what that number is up to by 2020, but judging by the people around her, I am clearly in the minority on this. Her friends and family were absolutely jubilant when they heard the news and they were clamoring to get comments published in this article. Being the nice guy that I am *ahem* (trying to fill a word count that unfortunately cannot be filled by raised eyebrows and a blank stare) *ahem* I have published a bunch of these for your (fill in the blank yourself, but I suggest smug disdain):
"Speed tweeting combines athletics and modern technology: It's the best of two worlds!"
"It's a cool, hip sport. This will solve the problem of reduced youth viewership."
"Wrestling is outdated and barbaric. Speed tweeting is a novel, relevant and nonviolent sport."
"Sweaty men in their underwear rolling around on the floor? That's a sport?"
"The internet is the future and it's time the Olympics joined us in it."
"I feel bad for the wrestlers but it's time that these excellent tweeters get some limelight."
"What's more important than information? Delivering it quickly!"
"People might laugh at this but they don't see the dedication Riley and others put into this demanding sport."
IOC Axes Wrestling In Favour of Speed Tweeting
Personally, I'm disgusted at this but unfortunately, not terribly surprised.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Watched late night tv drunk as hell and now I own a snuggie, a Dyson vacuum cleaner, some vegetable chopper thing and am also apparently enrolled in some nursing school in Buffalo. But, before you assume I wasted my money, somewhere down the line when I am stoned and/or drunk, wrapped in my snuggie trying to use my new vegetable chopper thing to make myself a snack while my Dyson vacuum cleaner works its low setting magic on my balls and I severely cut a finger my nursing degree will give me the knowledge I need to treat myself at home to save the embarrassment of showing up at the hospital wrapped in a snuggie with a vacuum cleaner attached to my balls.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
-Two pornographic actors, Nathan, 24, and Miranda, 22, were arrested Friday on prostitution charges. The two had been filming a scene for an upcoming porn movie when their camera broke. The two actors stopped the scene when they noticed that the camera had stopped functioning, but unfortunately for them, they did not notice until a few minutes after it broke. As we all know, having sex for money is considered prostitution (or marriage), unless a (functioning and recording) camera is present, at which time it can be considered pornography. Since the two were not married and no functional camera was present and recording, they were technically engaged in prostitution.
Police chief Ian Mooreville responded to criticism levied by the public in the wake of this story breaking: "The two suspects were having sex on film for profit. That is not illegal. That is pornography. However, when the camera stopped functioning and they continued to have sex for money, it became prostitution, and public safety became an issue." When he was asked to expand on how public safety was endangered by the failure of the camera present at the scene, the officer declined comment. He did, however, add that "backup cameras should be available, but if they are not, and your only camera breaks, you better be prepared to stop mid thrust....otherwise, we'll come for you."
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
If online dating profiles were totally accurate and 100% honest, this is what they would sound like:
Hi, my name is John. I'm a 30 year old divorced male. I'm skinny-fat and haven't had a tan since my Honeymoon. Have barely had sex since then as well, and I am afraid that I have forgotten how it works, but I digress. I have lost 15% of my hair in the last year and this terrifies me. On top of that, as this hair disappears, other hairs show up in really strange places. I sometimes go three or four days without showering. I am strangely fascinated by the smell of my own farts. I am self deprecating, but only as a preemptive defense mechanism.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Thursday, November 25, 2010
My daughter asked me* what Thanksgiving was all about. I considered a lie, but then remembered that as an atheist, I don't have any made up tales that I am culturally pressured into telling her, so I get to be honest. So, I told her the truth, that Thanksgiving is a day for a bunch of overfed, overprivileged people to celebrate how fat and overpriveleged they are by eating too much food.
I left out the 'stealing land from the indians' thing. I need something to tell her next year, don't I?
*The conversation detailed in this blog post may not have actually happened.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A judge issued a warrant Friday for the arrest of one, God, a 6,000 year old (or so) male after he failed to appear in an L.A. courtroom. God had been subpoenaed to appear in court to testify in a domestic abuse case in which his son, Jesus Christ, also 6,000 years old (we're not sure how that happened either) was on trial for striking one of his apparently numerous (sources say 12) lovers.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
There is a new movement growing worldwide. Called 'Doctors WITH Borders,' the movement consists of doctors who are sick and tired of having their hard work passed over when it comes time to extend credit, in favour of that entity known as 'God.'
These doctors have decided that any patient who, after receiving medical care, states that god has saved (or is saving) them, is no longer eligible to receive medical treatment. Patients are having IV's pulled, prescriptions withdrawn, casts cut off, dialysis machines shut down, life support unplugged, and, in one recent case, two recently transplanted lungs removed.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
“He's also a control freak.” Sarah looked over at God and sighed. She glanced over at Dr. Darby, and caught his eye. His eyes indicated his agreement, although he remained stoic, preserving his outward display of an apparent lack of bias, in accordance with the edicts of professionalism that were vital to the success of the field of psychology in which he was involved.
Inwardly appreciative but also outwardly stoic, save for the nail biting, which she resumed, Sarah continued. “He micromanages everything. Everything that you could imagine, including even thoughts, he needs to dictate what's acceptable and what's not. That goes for everyone down here, and also for all of us up in heaven, including myself.”
Dr. Darby looked over at God and gestured in his direction. “Is that true?” He cleared his throat, then continued. “Do you feel the need to control everything that goes on in your universe?”
Thursday, July 22, 2010
This Blog which was entitled Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Forum Quotes. So, let's gear up, and take on some more Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Forum Quotes sent my way by people trying to insult/own/'pwn'/denigrate/disparage or otherwise hurt me for whatever reason. *Whew!!* Try saying that 5 times fast.