If Online Dating Profiles Were Honest

If online dating profiles were totally accurate and 100% honest, this is what they would sound like:

Male:

Hi, my name is John. I'm a 30 year old divorced male. I'm skinny-fat and haven't had a tan since my Honeymoon. Have barely had sex since then as well, and I am afraid that I have forgotten how it works, but I digress. I have lost 15% of my hair in the last year and this terrifies me. On top of that, as this hair disappears, other hairs show up in really strange places. I sometimes go three or four days without showering. I am strangely fascinated by the smell of my own farts. I am self deprecating, but only as a preemptive defense mechanism.

I played whatever sports were played in gym class in high school, and I sucked at them all. I didn't shower at school. I'm not sure why, it's not like girls were going to ever see my tiny penis since my not showering after gym class led to me being constantly smelly. I guess no one seeing my tiny penis was better than both the guys and the girls seeing it though.

I went to college, averaged solid C's and eventually got a diploma. It's in my basement somewhere. Doing about as much good as it did my career. If you can call it that. I'm a manager at a retail store that sells video games to this site's other eligible bachelors. I hate my job, and my car is a piece of shit. The only thing I see in my rearview mirror is the best years of my life, and I'm bitter because my ex stole the best of me, and now takes half of my pay while she fucks some other guy that pays for the shit that my money is supposed to pay for.

My hobbies include staring mindlessly at various screens, creeping people's Facebook pages and hating on them while pretending I am not envious of them and their lives, picking my nose, and coming up with excuses to help myself feel better about all of the mistakes I have made.

My ideal female is young, hot and loves sex but doesn't have high standards so I can feel secure in knowing that I will never fail in her eyes.

If you message me, I will respond right away. This is because I am desperate.

Hope to fuck someone soon.

Female:

Hi, my name is Sarah. I'm a 30 year old divorced female with so much baggage that my soul has a permanent hump. I used to be in great shape, and still like to pretend I am, but I now have cellulite and I am developing a paunch, which I try to hide in photos, so do not expect to have sex with the lights on. My duck face profile pic took 15 retries to get right, so I hope you like it enough to tell me how hot I look. I might say that I want an interesting conversation rather than a “hey baby, you're looking good,” but really, please tell me I am hot. I so desperately need to hear that. Especially when I see myself in the mornings....ugh.

I don't go out much these days, but I do make it a point to go clubbing once a month, and when I do, I make sure the friends that go with me are always less attractive than I am. Remember, it's all about perception. A dark environment and ugly friends can go a long way. Also, I say I am going there to dance, but really I, like everyone else, am there for validation. So while I may pretend to be disgusted by your lewd offers and cheesy one liners, they make me feel better about myself and I view them as a small victory over the girls who don't receive them from you.

My favourite movies are ones that sell me on ideas that make my own life, and yours, more difficult, and are a part of the reason why the divorce rate is so high, but I am too wrapped up in my own princess fantasies to recognize this. Just remember that when I inevitably dump you for not living up to my impossible expectations, it's Hugh Grant's fault, not yours. I'll still blame you of course. I could never blame Hugh. He's so dreamy....

My hobbies include staring mindlessly at various screens, creeping people's Facebook pages and hating on them while pretending I am not envious of them and their lives, picking my nose, and coming up with excuses to help myself feel better about all of the mistakes I have made.

I will leave you with a philosophical quote I grabbed from the internet. I won't say I wrote it, but I won't say I didn't either, so if you want to think I am really insightful and intelligent, I won't stop you.