Naming the Glory Hole Guy

Why don't we have a name for the guy on the receiving end of a glory hole? As far as I am concerned, not having a name for these guys is an injustice. They do very difficult and taxing work and for that to go unrecognised is a travesty. They do a public service after all! Ask any gay man and they will most certainly agree that the glory hole guys are the unsung heroes of the gas station bathroom dwelling contingent of the gay community. And by god I say it's time they get sung!

So, ladies and gentlemen, while I myself have no suggestions (I was going to suggest Elton Johns but I would rather not get sued) I would like to deem this post to be my public broaching of this very pertinent subject and I would like to go on record as stating that we, as a society who recognizes our everyday heroes, can no longer ignore the guys on the messier end of glory holes all around the world. For this service to the greater good to continue on unrewarded (well, outside of the inherently rewarding 'money shot' they so often receive) is an injustice....no, a travesty.....no, an infamia

"The glory hole guy not being given respect is an infamia and no son of mine will  refuse to give such a man his dues"

It looks like guys who have anonymous sex with other guys though holes in the walls of various public restrooms (like at rural mom n pop gas stations and other fine establishments) are as important to The Godfather as they are to me. You wanna disagree with The Godfather? No? Well if you disagree with me you disagree with him, so get thinking and post your suggestions in the comment section below, lest ye too  commit an infamia.

Trivia: Marlon Brando (The Godfather) was bisexual, so perhaps he himself frequented some bathrooms.....hell, he maybe even used a glory hole or two in his day. If so, which end would he have preferred? I wonder.....

My Daughter's First Words

I have a daughter, much to her chagrin (mine as well). She's 4. Cute as a button. Bright. Not a big fan of mine. In fact, l can still hear her very first words as though she was saying them at this very moment.....

She had been trying to speak for a while, making those babbling sounds that sounded as though they wanted to be words but had no idea how to become them; unrealized potential uttered by an idiot savant in a diaper. She had come very close on a few occasions, once even possibly saying "mommy" but it was too hard to call so we decided not to officially declare that as her first word, opting instead to wait for something that was undeniably a fully articulated English word. And then it happened. She had been playing with her blocks, seemingly unfazed by any of the events surrounding her, when all of a sudden she looked up at her mother, then myself, then her mother again, dead in the eyes, and whispered, softly but very clearly, with the inflection properly placed at the last syllable of the word to denote the asking of a question, "Why?"

If she'd had the ability to, she would have said "Why him, Mommy? Why?" but still, the question she was asking was very clear to us both, and unfortunately for her there was, and still isn't, a sufficient answer. I guess the best I could ever hope for is to just stay out of her way as much as possible and try really hard not to ruin her now or embarrass her later.

Poor thing. You never do get to choose your parents after all.

Fun Experiment: Take an Atheist. Get Him High. Place Atheist Inside Church.

Wow, I thought, bracing myself against the freezing cold wind as I exited the car, I'm really doing this. I'm going to church. Church. I walked in to the same Catholic church that I attended (on a very infrequent basis) as a youth (but never before with the ol mj in the system) and as I passed from the hall to the main part of the church itself, skipping the 'holy' water anointing station and hoping I didn't look like an extra on the set of Half Baked I entered what felt like an entirely new dimension- a sense of deja-vu mixed with a rather strong feeling of I don't belong here and they will know it immediately. I mean, for one thing, the place was packed and so trying my hardest to not feel completely out of place standing in front of what looked like 200 people, all of whom I was certain were all thinking the same thing (*hiss* an interloper *hiss*).

....And then there's the fact that I was stoned. Not exactly the most comfortable place to be when you're high but man did it amplify the experience. I'll get to that in a bit though. My cohorts and I took a seat. I hadn't sat in one of those seats for years, and it was a church of all places, but I did experience a small sense of a faint whiff of welcoming. My ass recoiled and sighed with familiarity at the same time, but I digress.

We were a few minutes early so I took the time to look around and take in the scene. Like most catholic churches, the place is a strange mix of welcoming and foreboding. The architectural design is aesthetically pleasing and it's clear that the workmanship was solid and finely detailed, but I cannot deny the fact that it did strike me as also being intentionally designed in such a grandiose fashion that it ventured beyond "look how grand this is" to perhaps a small (and possibly imagined on my part, sure) hint of "and look how small you are." It could be simple cynicism on my part, but as you will soon read, the mass itself also seemed to be designed with the intention of engendering in those in attendance a sense of less than. There certainly was a lot of prostrating oneself involved in the actual mass itself.

HILARIOUS!!!! Bill Burr promotes Shari's Berries

On Ghosts and Hauntings (the hottest extra-curricular activity in the ghostiverse)

Poll a random group of one hundred people and you'll probably find at least thirty who believe in ghosts/spirits. A further ten of those people will likely believe in hauntings. I do not count myself a member of this group of people. There are just too many problems with the idea for me to subscribe to it (aside from the obvious lack of evidence). For one thing, this planet has been home to roughly a thousand trillion deaths over billions of years. Yes, billions, not six thousand. Sorry, Jesus freaks. Yet there seem to be maybe a hundred and twenty seven ghosts in existence and for some reason most of them lived in the Victorian era. Where are the Neanderthal ghosts? The Viking ghosts? Or more importantly, the dinosaur ghosts? I mean, what, only humans come back as ghosts? Humans from the Victorian era? If ghosts were real  they would be everywhere.

Not only would they be everywhere, if they had the ability to haunt life would be absolutely fucking unbearable because everything would be haunted.

Get it together people. You can rest easy tonight, okay? There are no ghost pterodactyls flying around your bed.

Dentist's Business Booming After Alleged Sex Abuse

Dentist's Business Booming After Alleged Sex Abuse

New York (Associated Press)

The dentist, Bedros Yavru-Sakuk, 62, of Edgewater, N.J, who was charged with the sex abuse of a 19 year old woman has been enjoying a rather unintended consequence of this recent turn of events: Business is booming. I ask him about this over the phone.

"Yes, it is true," he answers, speaking breathlessly into an office phone, his already strained voice being rendered even more indecipherable by the unmistakable sounds of an office teeming with activity emanating from what would presumably have been behind him. "I have been busier than ever since well, since that article was released." The article to which he is referring of course being the one detailing the alleged sex abuse. When I press him for details about it, he declines the offer to comment and instead says that anything he will have to say on the matter will be said in court. Any other questions I may have, he says, are to be directed at his lawyer.

Knowing better than to try again, I return to the earlier topic of his recent business success. I had spoken to some people from the area before my phone conversation with Mr. Yavru-Sakuk and almost everyone I spoke to who knew him had nothing but positive things to say. And so I ask him if he believes this increase in business to be a means of public support; a rallying cry of sorts, issued in his favour. He hesitates and then drops a bombshell on me: The increase in business has been exclusively female.

Comedy Blog Update

I just finished writing a post for my new comedy blog (currently under construction) that I discussed previously on this here er, blog. I now have thirty eight posts written and waiting in draft form until the arrival of that glorious day when they are uploaded for all to see. 

Mysterious voice: Whoa. Thirty eight posts written in addition to the writing you have done for this blog? Looks like someone's been a busy little bee!

Who, me? Well, I suppose I have been but it's hardly anything worth fawning over.

*secretly relishes the attention*

Hello? Mysterious voice? Where'd you go?

*silence*

Oh :(

*is sad*

God Joke

God: I love you. I love all women.
Woman: Love us? You made us from man's rib in order to keep a man named Adam company in a shitty garden filled with cursed fruit and deceitful talking snakes and then blamed us for the fallout.
God: haha, I so did that.

BREAKING NEWS: Two porn actors arrested for prostitution after their camera breaks.

-Two pornographic actors, Nathan, 24, and Miranda, 22, were arrested Friday on prostitution charges. The two had been filming a scene for an upcoming porn movie when their camera broke. The two actors stopped the scene when they noticed that the camera had stopped functioning, but unfortunately for them, they did not notice until a few minutes after it broke. As we all know, having sex for money is considered prostitution (or marriage), unless a (functioning and recording) camera is present, at which time it can be considered pornography. Since the two were not married and no functional camera was present and recording, they were technically engaged in prostitution.

Police chief Ian Mooreville responded to criticism levied by the public in the wake of this story breaking: "The two suspects were having sex on film for profit. That is not illegal. That is pornography. However, when the camera stopped functioning and they continued to have sex for money, it became prostitution, and public safety became an issue." When he was asked to expand on how public safety was endangered by the failure of the camera present at the scene, the officer declined comment. He did, however, add that "backup cameras should be available, but if they are not, and your only camera breaks, you better be prepared to stop mid thrust....otherwise, we'll come for you."

Mitt Romney on Strapping Wife Ann Onto Top of Private Jet: “She Loved It!”

Mitt Romney on Strapping Wife Ann Onto Top of Private Jet: “She Loved It!”

The story just gets more and more preposterous. For those not in the know, Mitt and Ann Romney have come under fire for their actions on a family vacation back in 1983. Then Vice President of consulting firm Bain & Company, Romney and his wife Ann set out on a 12 hour road trip to their summer cottage in Canada. Determined to bring along their Irish Setter, Seamus, but short on space in the car, they decided to place their beloved and loyal family pet into a carrier strapped to the roof of the car and boot down the highway at 60 miles an hour for 12 hours. When their terriffied dog shit himself, they simply hosed him down and then continued on, making the rest of the cold, scary trek that much colder (and presumably scarier).

This story has of course caused all sorts of trouble for Romney's fledgling presidential campaign. Unfortunately for him, it's not growing even worse, as it has come to light that he once strapped his wife Ann onto the top of his private jet en route to Alaska because his leg room would have been compromised had she been on board. In his defense, he states that she quote “loved it” as it allowed her to “experience the beauty of American landscape in a visceral way not available to most people.” Ann Romney has thus far not been available for her take on this matter. Presumably, she is unable to get cell reception from the trunk of the family car.

We'll have more on this story in the coming days.

Gay Marriage is No Different Than Heterosexual Marriage (PIC)

Here is all of the evidence you need that gay marriage is no different than straight marriage: A pact between two people who have given up:

If Online Dating Profiles Were Honest

If online dating profiles were totally accurate and 100% honest, this is what they would sound like:

Male:

Hi, my name is John. I'm a 30 year old divorced male. I'm skinny-fat and haven't had a tan since my Honeymoon. Have barely had sex since then as well, and I am afraid that I have forgotten how it works, but I digress. I have lost 15% of my hair in the last year and this terrifies me. On top of that, as this hair disappears, other hairs show up in really strange places. I sometimes go three or four days without showering. I am strangely fascinated by the smell of my own farts. I am self deprecating, but only as a preemptive defense mechanism.

Writing a New Short Story. Any Animators out there? Help Possibly Needed!

I just started to write a short story, and although I am only on page 2, I see potential in this thing to go a lot farther than one short story. I am thinking that a series of stories might be in order, and they might even be worthy of being turned into animated shorts for the internet. If anyone reading this happens to do computer animation, please leave me a comment, as I do not have any knowledge in this area, and so to make this idea come to fruition, I will require some help.