Friday, May 9, 2014
The Day of the Pill's Release:
-Some new agency, some place. The pill that turns nagging into orgasms released today and immediately sold a bagillion copies. Seventy trillion female orgasms in the course of the last hour have resulted in worldwide earthquakes, killing hundreds of thousands. The remaining people on Earth all agree that it was worth it. The twitter hashtag #sorrybutitwasworthit has been fighting for number one spot all day alongside the tag #omgomgomgomg
We'll have more on this story in the weeks to follow.
Monday, July 1, 2013
New York (Associated Press)
The dentist, Bedros Yavru-Sakuk, 62, of Edgewater, N.J, who was charged with the sex abuse of a 19 year old woman has been enjoying a rather unintended consequence of this recent turn of events: Business is booming. I ask him about this over the phone.
"Yes, it is true," he answers, speaking breathlessly into an office phone, his already strained voice being rendered even more indecipherable by the unmistakable sounds of an office teeming with activity emanating from what would presumably have been behind him. "I have been busier than ever since well, since that article was released." The article to which he is referring of course being the one detailing the alleged sex abuse. When I press him for details about it, he declines the offer to comment and instead says that anything he will have to say on the matter will be said in court. Any other questions I may have, he says, are to be directed at his lawyer.
Knowing better than to try again, I return to the earlier topic of his recent business success. I had spoken to some people from the area before my phone conversation with Mr. Yavru-Sakuk and almost everyone I spoke to who knew him had nothing but positive things to say. And so I ask him if he believes this increase in business to be a means of public support; a rallying cry of sorts, issued in his favour. He hesitates and then drops a bombshell on me: The increase in business has been exclusively female.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
-Two pornographic actors, Nathan, 24, and Miranda, 22, were arrested Friday on prostitution charges. The two had been filming a scene for an upcoming porn movie when their camera broke. The two actors stopped the scene when they noticed that the camera had stopped functioning, but unfortunately for them, they did not notice until a few minutes after it broke. As we all know, having sex for money is considered prostitution (or marriage), unless a (functioning and recording) camera is present, at which time it can be considered pornography. Since the two were not married and no functional camera was present and recording, they were technically engaged in prostitution.
Police chief Ian Mooreville responded to criticism levied by the public in the wake of this story breaking: "The two suspects were having sex on film for profit. That is not illegal. That is pornography. However, when the camera stopped functioning and they continued to have sex for money, it became prostitution, and public safety became an issue." When he was asked to expand on how public safety was endangered by the failure of the camera present at the scene, the officer declined comment. He did, however, add that "backup cameras should be available, but if they are not, and your only camera breaks, you better be prepared to stop mid thrust....otherwise, we'll come for you."
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Mitt Romney on Strapping Wife Ann Onto Top of Private Jet: “She Loved It!”
The story just gets more and more preposterous. For those not in the know, Mitt and Ann Romney have come under fire for their actions on a family vacation back in 1983. Then Vice President of consulting firm Bain & Company, Romney and his wife Ann set out on a 12 hour road trip to their summer cottage in Canada. Determined to bring along their Irish Setter, Seamus, but short on space in the car, they decided to place their beloved and loyal family pet into a carrier strapped to the roof of the car and boot down the highway at 60 miles an hour for 12 hours. When their terriffied dog shit himself, they simply hosed him down and then continued on, making the rest of the cold, scary trek that much colder (and presumably scarier).
This story has of course caused all sorts of trouble for Romney's fledgling presidential campaign. Unfortunately for him, it's not growing even worse, as it has come to light that he once strapped his wife Ann onto the top of his private jet en route to Alaska because his leg room would have been compromised had she been on board. In his defense, he states that she quote “loved it” as it allowed her to “experience the beauty of American landscape in a visceral way not available to most people.” Ann Romney has thus far not been available for her take on this matter. Presumably, she is unable to get cell reception from the trunk of the family car.
We'll have more on this story in the coming days.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A judge issued a warrant Friday for the arrest of one, God, a 6,000 year old (or so) male after he failed to appear in an L.A. courtroom. God had been subpoenaed to appear in court to testify in a domestic abuse case in which his son, Jesus Christ, also 6,000 years old (we're not sure how that happened either) was on trial for striking one of his apparently numerous (sources say 12) lovers.