Scientists Invent Anti Nagging Pill- Earthquakes and Orgasms Ensue

-Some new agency, some place. Scientists from the university of Fuchyamen revealed that they have created a pill which makes women orgasm when they get the urge to nag. We expect this pill to be the best selling drug ever.

The Day of the Pill's Release:

-Some new agency, some place. The pill that turns nagging into orgasms released today and immediately sold a bagillion copies. Seventy trillion female orgasms in the course of the last hour have resulted in worldwide earthquakes, killing hundreds of thousands. The remaining people on Earth all agree that it was worth it. The twitter hashtag #sorrybutitwasworthit has been fighting for number one spot all day alongside the tag #omgomgomgomg

We'll have more on this story in the weeks to follow.

Vegetables Killed James Gandolfini

On June 19th, 2013 Tony Soprano James Gandolfini died suddenly while on Vacation in Rome, Italy. The 51 year old actor and notoriously heavy breather had dined on a (presumably) gigantic meal earlier in the evening before retiring to his room for the night eternity. The autopsy confirmed the suspicions of basically everyone either involved in the story or aware of it; the actor/heavy breather had died of a heart attack. This conclusion has not been challenged by anyone and it has therefore never been investigated further. One could assume that this is due to the fact that there were no pieces of evidence at the scene to suggest an alternative cause of death. There were no signs of forced entry or reported disturbances (like arguing or fighting) emanating from his room that night, although four people on various floors both above and below him did call the concierge to report the sounds of laboured breathing coming from a room somewhere in the hotel (they knew which room it was but they also knew who was in there and knew better than to name names. Nobody rats on T. Nobody). The toxicology report came back negative. There was no blood, no wounds (defensive or otherwise). Open and shut case, right?

Eh, maybe.....or maybe not.

See, I have come across some rather disturbing evidence that his death, while it was in fact a heart attack, was actually the result of an absolute unwillingness, on his part, to eat vegetables, and this cause was actually known to the coroner and others involved in caring for Mr. Gandolfini but the truth of the matter has been suppressed by pasta and meatballs industry. Lobbyists from the industry descended upon Rome immediately upon the news of his death going public; the goal of this was of course to put pressure on those involved in the investigation to ensure that no mention of pasta, meatballs or vegetables (the presence of the former and regarding the latter, a lack thereof) was made in either any official reports or any press conferences or interviews.

I cannot reveal how I cam across this disturbing information but suffice it to say the fact that vegetables tasted less like pasta and meatballs and more like, well, vegetables, was the cause of death and this fact was forcibly kept from the public due to the presence of and pressure by the pasta and meatballs lobby.

Those bastards.

Dentist's Business Booming After Alleged Sex Abuse

Dentist's Business Booming After Alleged Sex Abuse

New York (Associated Press)

The dentist, Bedros Yavru-Sakuk, 62, of Edgewater, N.J, who was charged with the sex abuse of a 19 year old woman has been enjoying a rather unintended consequence of this recent turn of events: Business is booming. I ask him about this over the phone.

"Yes, it is true," he answers, speaking breathlessly into an office phone, his already strained voice being rendered even more indecipherable by the unmistakable sounds of an office teeming with activity emanating from what would presumably have been behind him. "I have been busier than ever since well, since that article was released." The article to which he is referring of course being the one detailing the alleged sex abuse. When I press him for details about it, he declines the offer to comment and instead says that anything he will have to say on the matter will be said in court. Any other questions I may have, he says, are to be directed at his lawyer.

Knowing better than to try again, I return to the earlier topic of his recent business success. I had spoken to some people from the area before my phone conversation with Mr. Yavru-Sakuk and almost everyone I spoke to who knew him had nothing but positive things to say. And so I ask him if he believes this increase in business to be a means of public support; a rallying cry of sorts, issued in his favour. He hesitates and then drops a bombshell on me: The increase in business has been exclusively female.

Mitt Romney on Strapping Wife Ann Onto Top of Private Jet: “She Loved It!”

Mitt Romney on Strapping Wife Ann Onto Top of Private Jet: “She Loved It!”

The story just gets more and more preposterous. For those not in the know, Mitt and Ann Romney have come under fire for their actions on a family vacation back in 1983. Then Vice President of consulting firm Bain & Company, Romney and his wife Ann set out on a 12 hour road trip to their summer cottage in Canada. Determined to bring along their Irish Setter, Seamus, but short on space in the car, they decided to place their beloved and loyal family pet into a carrier strapped to the roof of the car and boot down the highway at 60 miles an hour for 12 hours. When their terriffied dog shit himself, they simply hosed him down and then continued on, making the rest of the cold, scary trek that much colder (and presumably scarier).

This story has of course caused all sorts of trouble for Romney's fledgling presidential campaign. Unfortunately for him, it's not growing even worse, as it has come to light that he once strapped his wife Ann onto the top of his private jet en route to Alaska because his leg room would have been compromised had she been on board. In his defense, he states that she quote “loved it” as it allowed her to “experience the beauty of American landscape in a visceral way not available to most people.” Ann Romney has thus far not been available for her take on this matter. Presumably, she is unable to get cell reception from the trunk of the family car.

We'll have more on this story in the coming days.

Warrant Out for God's Arrest

Warrant Out for God's Arrest

AP, Heaven

A judge issued a warrant Friday for the arrest of one, God, a 6,000 year old (or so) male after he failed to appear in an L.A. courtroom. God had been subpoenaed to appear in court to testify in a domestic abuse case in which his son, Jesus Christ, also 6,000 years old (we're not sure how that happened either) was on trial for striking one of his apparently numerous (sources say 12) lovers.

Doctors WITH Borders: Doctors Withdraw Treatment from Patients Who Thank God

Doctors WITH Borders: Doctors Withdraw Treatment from Patients Who Thank God

AP, Worldwide.

There is a new movement growing worldwide. Called 'Doctors WITH Borders,' the movement consists of doctors who are sick and tired of having their hard work passed over when it comes time to extend credit, in favour of that entity known as 'God.'

These doctors have decided that any patient who, after receiving medical care, states that god has saved (or is saving) them, is no longer eligible to receive medical treatment. Patients are having IV's pulled, prescriptions withdrawn, casts cut off, dialysis machines shut down, life support unplugged, and, in one recent case, two recently transplanted lungs removed.

God Goes to Marriage Counseling

God Goes to Marriage Counseling

“He's also a control freak.” Sarah looked over at God and sighed. She glanced over at Dr. Darby, and caught his eye. His eyes indicated his agreement, although he remained stoic, preserving his outward display of an apparent lack of bias, in accordance with the edicts of professionalism that were vital to the success of the field of psychology in which he was involved.

Inwardly appreciative but also outwardly stoic, save for the nail biting, which she resumed, Sarah continued. “He micromanages everything. Everything that you could imagine, including even thoughts, he needs to dictate what's acceptable and what's not. That goes for everyone down here, and also for all of us up in heaven, including myself.”

Dr. Darby looked over at God and gestured in his direction. “Is that true?” He cleared his throat, then continued. “Do you feel the need to control everything that goes on in your universe?”