A Nightmare On Elm Street 2010: ON TRIAL

Case number C60199H6 is now in session.

Judge: You may now be seated.

Judge: "will the defendant please stand? Mr. Nightmare 2010, how do you plead?"


AOES 2010: "Not guilty, your honour."


Judge: "Plea of not guilty has been entered into the record. Please be seated."

......Some time later

Nightmare 2010 under Cross Examination

Prosecution: "Mr Nightmare 2010, may I call you 2010 for the sake of brevity?"


2010: "Yes, you may."


Prosecution: "Okay, 2010, you say that you are not guilty of living an unjustified existence, correct?"


2010: "That's correct."


Prosecution: "So, it is your contention that you actually [b]DO[/b] have a reason to exist?"


2010: "Yes."


Prosecution: "Let me ask you a question, then. Is your script better than 1984's?"


2010: "......"


Judge: "2010, please answer the prosecution's question."


2010: ",,,,No, my script is not better."


Prosecution: "I see. Is your dialogue better?"


2010: "....No....."


Prosecution: "Interesting. Are you more or less imaginative than 1984?"

2010: "......Less....." (hangs head in shame)

Prosecution: "Uh huh, uh huh. So, tell me, were you better paced?"


2010: "No, sir."


Prosecution: "Huh. Better music?"


2010: "No sir."


Prosecution: "What about your interpretation of the Freddy character? Was yours more interesting?"

2010: ".....Well.........n....no....no sir." (hangs head even lower)

Prosecution: "Did you forgo cheap jump scares for real suspense and tension? Atmosphere? Creepy set pieces and/or events?"


2010: "No......no......no, and.....no."


Prosecution: "Would you say 1984 is unwatchable?"


2010: "No sir."


Prosecution: "I see. Would you say 1984 is a bad movie, a good movie, or a great movie??


2010: "A great movie, sir. A genre classic, really."


Prosecution: "Uh huh..... Tell me, did the effects hold up okay over the years?"


2010: "Mostly, yes sir."


Prosecution: "In fact, was the wall scene not actually superior in the 1984 version? You know, the one 26 years your senior? The one that utilized $5 worth of spandex sheet draped across a hole in the wall as opposed to your fancy shmancy CGI effects that looked like a deleted scene from The Mummy?"


2010: "......Yes....."


Prosecution: "I see. So, tell me then, if you are not better directed, better written, more creative, imaginative, suspenseful or scary, and there's nothing wrong with the original, and the original is widely available....it is widely available, is it not?"


2010: "Yes.......*sigh* Yes sir, it is."


Prosecution: "Okay, 1984 is a great movie that is perfectly watchable today and widely available....and you add nothing of any real value to its legacy, yo fill no gaps, nor enhance anyone's experiences with the original......Tell me, 2010, Why do you exist?


2010: "........"


Judge: "2010, please answer the prosecution's question."


2010: "........"


Judge: "2010, please answer the prosecution's question.!"


2010: "........"


Judge: "2010, please answer the prosecution's question!!"


2010: "........"

Judge: "2010, please answer the prosecution's question!!!"


2010: "What....what was the question again....?"

Prosecution: "Why. Do. You. Exist. ?"

2010: ".... *whispering* .......money."

Prosecution: "Please speak louder, 2010"

2010: "MONEY!!!!!! OKAY? MONEY!! MONEY!!! MONEY!!! MOMEY!!! That's why I exist. Money." *begins to sob uncontrollably*

Prosecution: "Your honour, I'd like to note that the prosecution now rests. No further questions your honour."


Judge: "What say you, councilmen? Do the defence have any further use of your defendant in this line of questioning?"


"No, your honour, the defence.....the defence rests."


Judge: "Well, then it is the position of this court that 2010 is guilty of all charges, and now, having been found to have no reason, no justification for his existence, must be converted to VHS format, whereupon he will be endlessly returned to video stores without being rewound first, and he will have to wait patiently while the person who rented him out fishes for change in his pockets in an exasperated fashion, so he can srape together the fifty cents or whatever it is to pay the fine in order to rent the movie again, and return it without rewinging it. They will be doomed to repeat this cycle over and over, for eternity. And the film that you will watch during the home portion of each of these cycles?

*dramatic pause*

Judge: Yourself!

*crowd gasps*

Judge: CASE CLOSED