Worst Video Game Sequels Of All Time

Worst Video Game Sequels Of All Time

There's nothing quite like the anticipation for a sequel to a truly remarkable game. Likewise, there's nothing quite like the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that occurs when one realizes that said sequel fucking sucks. This has happened to all gamers at some point in their gaming life, and to most of us, it has happened on multiple occasions over the years. The incidence rates of this horrific plague have likely decreased, and significantly at that, due to the rise to prominence of the internet and the boom of the video game journalism trade. Now, we're inundated with previews, footage, interviews, demos, and reviews, so it's a lot harder to get bitch slapped with a shit sequel. Not that it doesn't happen. Somehow, despite all of it, it's still possible to get rooked. Science knows I have, several times over.

Video Game Memories Pt. 1: Third Generation (8 bit Era)

Memories

The NES is the only system I owned during the third gen, and atlhough I did play some SEGA Master System at a friend's house a few times, my only real memories of that are some shitty 3D games (with the old school red and blue glasses) and some hidden game built into the system memory.

Anyways, the Nintendo Entertainment System, aka NES, was released in North America in February 1986. My brother and I received our on Christmas, a day I still fondly recall. The NES has provided me with innumerable memories, some of which I will detail here.

So, the memories:

Game Character Interview: Mario

This is a new blog series, in which, I, magx, interview different game characters, and get the behind the scenes information we all want to know. What drives them? Who are they? What do they do in their off time? Who are the people behind the beloved characters? In this series, we finally find out.

So, for the first edition, we're going to start it off with a BANG, as I have secured an interview with the ever present, beloved mascot of video gaming, Mario!

So, without further ado, let's get the the questions, shall we?

Editor's Note: This interview contains much foul language. Reader discretion is advised. This is no joke.



magx: So, Mario, before we begin, I just want to thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. I'm going to try and maintain a calm, neutral demeanor, but I mean.....wow, you're freaking Mario, man! [pause] Okay, okay. I'm collected. So, yes, thanks for sitting down with me today.

Mario: It's a me, Mario!

magx: Yes, but actually, as we spoke about, this series of interviews has the cha-

Mario: That's a so nice!

magx: Uh......Mario? We're actually looking for an out of character interview here. So please, if you would kindly drop character, as much as we love it, we'd be much obliged.

Andrew Dice Clay: Ah, fuck, finally. That's a fuckin relief, you know what I mean.

magx: Uh.....you're.......Andrew Dice Clay?!



Andrew Dice Clay: You're fuckin surprised? What the fuck, I thought it was obvious? Where'd you think I'd been all these years?

Editor's Note: For those unfamiliar with Andrew Dice Clay, see the following video:



It's a minute or so long clip of Mr. Clay (sorry, Diceman) on CNN, telling off the reporter. His comedy routines can also be seen on youtube. To sum up his act, it's very vulgar, misogynistic, racist, and all around raucous.

magx: [long pause] Well, okay.....ahem....Alright, so I guess we'll get started. So, Mr. Cla-

Andrew Dice Clay: Andrew, please, or Diceman, none of this Mr. shit, you know what I mean? [he pauses to light up a cigarette]

magx: Okay, sorry about that, Andrew. So, please, explain how you went from the comedy stage, selling out Madison Square Garden, to playing perhaps the most beloved character in all of video gaming?

Andrew Dice Clay: Well, that's pretty easy. I was backstage after a show, getting my dick sucked, you know, I mean, this chick was really working my shit, you know? So I blow in her hair, and as I'm lighting up a cigarette, I hear this little voice. I look up, and there's this little Jappy yappy in front of me, you know, like 4 foot 2, and he's got a translator with him, and next thing I know, he's offering me this gig.

magx: So, you decided right on the spot?

Andrew Dice Clay: Well, ya, you know, I mean, I was still the best fucking comedian who ever lived, but my numbers maybe weren't like they were a few years before, you know? And I got this guy offering me a long term deal, big money, and all I gotta do is rescue some fucking mopy idiot from a fire breathing piece of shit once every couple of years? And along the way I get to do mushrooms, and jump on stupid fuckin turtles, which is great, because I hate stupid fucking turtles. I mean, who the fuck invented those useless, slow pieces of shit? I fuckin sat there for thirty minutes once, watching this big dumbass turtle fuck walk from one end of my bathroom to the other. Thirty fucking minutes? I drowned him in the toilet, just for being so fucking stupid.

magx: [pause] Well.....I don't know if I would have drowned him......

Andrew Dice Clay: What are, you some kind of liberal pussyfuck? Oh, save the turtles? They're life too? Fuck that.

magx: ….....Okay, okay, well, let's get this back on track. So, Mr. Miyamoto offers you the role of Mario, and you take it. Now what?

Andrew Dice Clay: Well, I started out in some shitty games, donkey kong, and shit, hell, I was even called Jumpman at first. Then, in '83, I get this retard brother and we have to save New Yor City from these little fucks running around the sewer. At this point, I'm wondering what the fuck I'm doin, here, you know? Like, I'm ready to stomp that little Jappy yappy into the ground, money or no money. Fuck this shit.

magx: But then Super Mario Bros. happened.

Andrew Dice Clay: Ya, suddenly, I'm running free through these trippy world, doing shrooms and shit, rescuing this fucking broad, who doesn't even give me any by the way, so I have to take it later on, you know what I mean? She wanted to quit the first time, and go to the cops, but I set that bitch straight. So, anyways, there was the piece of shit second game, but then the third one was awesome. I mean, I'm traveling all over the place, I'm on airships, I'm so high everything looks like it's gigantic in the one place, I mean I'm just tripping out, you know? [pauses to light another cigarette] This is a pretty good gig.

magx: And then you get a dinosaur.

Andrew Dice Clay: And then I get a dinosaur. You know how much the broads love that fuckin tongue? I mean, I was getting pussy before, but now? Fuggedaboutit! Even that frigid bitch couldn't refuse anymore, at least, not behind the scenes. Sure, in the games, she's still little miss innocent, making me cake in Super Mario 64, but you know what happened backstage? I ate that cake off her tits and she did a line of coke off my balls, and then I used that dinosaurs tongue on her for three hours. It was fuckin beautiful, I mean, I'm having the time of my life, you know what I mean?

magx:Ya....it sounds like it, although I have to say, a lot of my childhood illusions are being shattered here.

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, everybody has to grow up sometime, you know?

magx: True enough. So, tell me, what's your favourite Mario game?

Andrew Dice Clay: Super Mario Sunshine was a lot of fun. I loved playing with my hose.

magx: [pause] Of course. So, anything you want to say to the fans before we end this......rather.....illuminating interview?

Andrew Dice Clay:Ya, go fuck yourself.

magx: Great. Well, thanks for the interview, and we hope to see yo-well, Mario, soon.

[End of Interview]

Well, there it is. For better or for worse, that's the real Mario, folks. I think I am going to need some time to digest it all. I mean, that was one of my childhood heroes, and to know that, this whole time, it was really Andrew Dice Clay behind that smiling face.......I don't know. I think this Mario fan is disappointed. Be sure to let us know how you feel in the comment section.