Thursday, March 7, 2013
Random Thoughts: Divorce and Kids
I'm not divorced but we're separated (about 18 months now) and it was and has been totally amicable. I love that woman to death but we were not right for one another and now we're both better off. Our child (who is 4) is perfectly happy as there is no animosity and we even still do things together with her so that she still gets that 2 parent experience. Not a bad word is ever spoken about either parent to her and she knows that mommy and daddy love one another.
I believe it's when parents communication is fractured, bitterness sets in and the children become pawns in a childish chess match that "children of divorce" end up negatively impacted. Now, am I deluding myself to a degree? Quite possibly. It might still be better for her to have us both around at all times, but hopefully if that is true it is counterbalanced by the fact that I am much happier now and can therefore really be the dad I aspire to be.
Just keep the bullshit to a minimum, ALWAYS keep it away from the kids and remember that at the end of the day life is messy; there's multiple ways to live life. If you're happier separated and the kids are happy and get time with both parents, then fuck societal expectations and the guilt that people (many of whom frankly regret their decisions but won't admit it) try to engender in you for not living the "right" way. Your life and your happiness are important too. Happy people make happy parents.
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ReplyDeleteFrom personal experience, I truly believe that it's better for a child to grow up with divorced parents who still love each other than to grow up in a household where the parents obviously have lost their romance and interest years and years ago. Even if the divorced parents DON'T love each other, at least the child is not going to grow up in a home with an awful atmosphere brought about my bickering parents. In retrospect, I always wish that my parents had separated, but for various reasons that wasn't able to be a reality. One reason is that they were working together, which is also why parents should NEVER work together, unless they are EXTREMELY confident in their marriage.
ReplyDeleteI can probably attribute many of my personal, social, emotional, etc, issues with growing up in such a stressful home environment. That doesn't explain everything, there are a lot of reasons for my faults, but that's one of the biggest reasons. I loathe the idea of marrying and having a child because I don't to raise a child in the same kind of love-less and distressing atmosphere, and I have zero confidence in my ability to be any kind of a decent parent or role model, among other reasons.
Hey man, it's good to hear from you. I agree very much with your assessment and I strongly believe that a lot of damage has been done to kids all across the world because 2 people who should not be together stayed together. While my ex wife and I had great communication and got along well, I wasn't happy and there's no way that I could have been the best dad I could be in that situation. On the flip side, she had WAY too much to deal with because of me and my a) uncertainty about marriage and b) disease so she's much better of now as well. It's kind of hilarious and sad to think it but leaving might have been the best thing I could have done for her!
ReplyDeleteThis all being said, I don't proclaim to think that there's no harm done to a child of divorce as long as the parents get along well and don't put the child in the middle of any nonsense- for all I know, we're merely minimizing the harm. There could be something about her parents living apart that is damaging to her, regardless of how well they get along. We try to do things together with her once in a while, but is that enough?
I dunno, and yes, it's scary.
Hope school is going okay dude!
Yes, divorce undoubtedly will have some kind of effect on a child, even the parents parted ways on good terms and still see each other regularly. Complex issue to be sure. If only that asshole God could just give us humans a break and pair everyone up with their "perfect mate" instead of making us suffer through the messy pratfalls in relationships caused by our faulty emotions. Humans suffer through enough by living amongst our own crappy species, why can't that jerk just give us a break? ;)
ReplyDeleteI apologize again for not contributing. I keep telling myself that I will start again every time I think of something interesting that I want to write about, but procrastination gets the best of me. But I will definitely write again sometime again!
I know all about procrastinating man, believe me. I have gone weeks, sometimes even months without writing a thing (a huge backlog of posts have kept this blog alive during these times). It's so hard to do it when the mood isn't right, but when that flash of inspiration hits, the release is almost magical. I just experienced that with the latest post I wrote. The words weren't being pushed out, they were fighting to escape. It is in these times that I really love writing and I find myself getting lost in it. It becomes a form of meditation, almost.
ReplyDeleteI have been prepping a comedy blog and I have been experiencing a lot of the meditative quality of writing during this process. I'm only 18 or so posts in, so I am not ready to launch the blog yet (I want to launch with a backlog of content so that I can roll it out regularly while having time to write new stuff), but when I do I will post about it here in case you have any interest in checking it out or even contributing.