Hilarious Double Dragon II XBLA Game Description (PIC)

Check out the hilarious description on Xbox Live for the newly released Double Dragon II: 

"That's Gold, Jerry! GOLD!"

Drunken Infomercial Escapade

Watched late night tv drunk as hell and now I own a snuggie, a Dyson vacuum cleaner, some vegetable chopper thing and am also apparently enrolled in some nursing school in Buffalo. But, before you assume I wasted my money, somewhere down the line when I am stoned and/or drunk, wrapped in my snuggie trying to use my new vegetable chopper thing to make myself a snack while my Dyson vacuum cleaner works its low setting magic on my balls and I severely cut a finger my nursing degree will give me the knowledge I need to treat myself at home to save the embarrassment of showing up at the hospital wrapped in a snuggie with a vacuum cleaner attached to my balls. 

"Full of Evolution"

Wow, all of that evolution must have been pretty graphic and intense. Link

If Online Dating Profiles Were Honest

If online dating profiles were totally accurate and 100% honest, this is what they would sound like:

Male:

Hi, my name is John. I'm a 30 year old divorced male. I'm skinny-fat and haven't had a tan since my Honeymoon. Have barely had sex since then as well, and I am afraid that I have forgotten how it works, but I digress. I have lost 15% of my hair in the last year and this terrifies me. On top of that, as this hair disappears, other hairs show up in really strange places. I sometimes go three or four days without showering. I am strangely fascinated by the smell of my own farts. I am self deprecating, but only as a preemptive defense mechanism.

Irony On The Internetz

Acrobats strip for Pope Benedict XVI, perform topless in Vatican:

Place this one in the WHAT THE FUCK category:

Acrobats strip for Pope Benedict XVI, perform topless in Vatican.

The (Short) video:

Corny Pun Pwnage

On the lighter side.....

Austin Powers would be proud....

What? I don't know, don't ask.

Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Forum Quotes Part Deux

It's sequel time, baby! This is a sequel to This Blog which was entitled Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Forum Quotes. So, let's gear up, and take on some more Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Forum Quotes sent my way by people trying to insult/own/'pwn'/denigrate/disparage or otherwise hurt me for whatever reason. *Whew!!* Try saying that 5 times fast.

List of People to KILL

SykoShadow

PseudoIntellectual

Every god in existence (oh, wait.....)

Every fat moron in a 'Fat Moron with a Hot Wife Who's Always Right' sitcom. Tx for the damage to men!

Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Forum Quotes Pt. 1

It's sequel time, baby! This is a sequel to This Blog which was entitled Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Youtube Quotes.  So, let's gear up, and take on some more Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Youtube Quotes sent my way by people trying to insult/own/'pwn'/denigrate/disparage or otherwise hurt me for whatever reason. *Whew!!* Try saying that 5 times fast.

God probably got rid of the fossils of those evil giants & the rest of the people that didn't listen to Noah's warning.

But nothing is impossible to God, he can do anything he wants with all his power & wisdom even on specific situations.

Everything needs a start & process in order to appear & continue operating (with the exception of Jehovah cause he always existed and is the Almighty

It wasn't magic it was power. God doesn't use magic.

things that exist in the whole universe. That's all the evidence we need as Christians.

But when was the last time that you read about mankind's extinction caused by volcanoes?

God shrunk all the animals

In response to "So every single human being on the planet sinned enough to deserve eradication? Even infants, small children who haven't done anything whatsoever? Wow, that's one benevolent god!":

Yes. The small children were too busy being sacrificed, raped, or traumatized to do much sinning, though. They would have grown up to be horrible.

(man, the lengths these guys will go. The cognitive dissonance must give them migraines at times)

And now, amidst all of this rampant idiocy and hilarity, I close this particular edition (oh ya, more are coming. PLENTY more, actually. I have so much material just from the same topic.....yes, all of these in this edition were from 1 single forum thread) with this absolute doozy. Is it the worst of the worst? You decide. Like Faux News says, We report, YOU decide. Although, I must draw a line of differentiation between myself and Faux News, as the following statement is not misquoted or misrepresented in any way. Here goes nothing:

Someone made this statement (still talking about the Noah's Ark story): You are also aware, that 2 animals are not enough to start a race, right? It would led to horrific genetic deformities over the generations- no one species can start from just 2 animals. And the response from some moron:

How do you know that those species needed either salty or fresh water?

Since "evolution is a fact", if the salinity of water back then was less than it is now, the fish in the water back then were able to survive in it, otherwise we wouldn't have any fish today.

There's a reason the story is called NOAH'S ark. It's because it's about Noah and his ark. It's not even about plants or aquatic creatures. If God took care of 8 people and some animals, what makes you think he didn't take care of the aquatic life and plants?

Well, I'm sure God found a way to do it. Nothing is impossible for him.

Water produces oxygen & hydrogen. Enough to breath and help them to survive as well.

That's where faith comes into play. It does stand to reason that the deformities wouldn't have been all that bad, considering the planet was only...two thousand years old or something.

WOW. Just fucking WOW.

Oh, and here's a pic to sum up this awesome forum topic (which is going to provide comedy gold for a few more blogs, amazongly):

Online BS in Religion!! LMAO!

Want to be a minister? Get yourself an online BS in religion from Liberty U and prepare yourself for a life in the ministry!!!!

This is way too funny, even in just a light hearted sort of way. I mean, really, even a devout theist should be able to chuckle at this.

Pissed off Dude's Letter to the Canadian Government Re: Passport

Disclaimer: Somebody emailed this to me, and I thought I would post it, as it's pretty funny. I cannot speak to the veracity of this, however, and consequently, make no such claims to that end. As always, when it comes to shit like this, salt, grain, you get the idea.

That aside, enjoy!

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin’ there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!

(fuckin’ morons)

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed – An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA!!!

Hamilton, Ontario Canada

End of Letter
 
Well, that's it. I hover between real and fake as I read that, but the bit at the end does lend it a bit of an air of truth. Either way, it's pretty damn funny, and you can't help but feel that tinge of YA! as you read it. Striking back at 'The Man' in any small way, and really saying exactly what's on your mind for once.....that's all satisfying stuff, and I experience some vicarious joy thanks to this, especially now, as I am actually currently in the middle of the bullshit passport application stuff. I could be missing something here, but I don't see hwo a passport ensures any extra marginal safety. The requirements boil down to having:
 
1) A birth certificate.
 
2) A piece of I.D.
 
3) A photo.
 
4) A couple of aquaintances.
 
5) A friend.
 
Guess what? I have that shit with me when I'm travelling anyways. Instead of spending $87 plus $15 for photos (oh, and $9 for scanning my license at fucking Staples) and wasting a bunch of time, I could just show them my photo I.D., birth certificate, and have my friend vouch for me right at the border. And if you think that a terrorist couldn't produce such things, you're living in a dream world.
 
Unless I am missing something, and I might be (someone let me know), all that the passport business does is inconvenience Joe Average and bring in some extra revenue for the Federal Government. I don't think this provides much of a barrier for the 'bad guys' to get through. Yet another false sense of security, nonsensical overreactionand a money grab. At least, from my admittedly layman's pov.

Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Youtube Quotes

PREFACE: For anyone who came here expecting to find The Lost Commandment? on this page, I apologize, but I was inspired to write another blog post. You can easily find that blog by looking to the right and slightly down. It's right under blog archive. Or, you can just click this Link and get to it that way.

Okay, so the blog. Brilliantly Stupid And/Or Ironic Youtube Quotes sent my way by people trying to insult/own/'pwn'/denigrate/disparage or otherwise hurt me for whatever reason.

you are a beginner and I dont expect you to understand more complex intricacys that you'll miss


now...who is the dumby?


Also, those video clips you have are blasphemous and you should really take them down and repent before it's too late.

P.S. Your a fucking hippie. Wanna be friends?

i am an extra terrestrial, i come to earth to save mankind, i am appalled at the state of mankind and i am asking, no i am DEMANDING that you denounce your ways, and watch my video (it is my featured channel video, broadcasted from my craft) and you devote your lives to God

Creationism is a widely believed theory along with evolution. Not allowing it in discussions is wrong especially since many kids at that point would already believe it to be true.

Sarah Palin? She's not too bad. Probably not President material but she could be a Senator. She too is a victim of rabid attacks by the left as well.

so you don't like Palin I take it.



That's called God of the Gaps: "We don't know what happened, so God must have done it."


But what I'm doing is this: "Scientists don't know what happened from a naturalistic point of view, so here's an explanation that completely works and makes sense
atheists are more irrational than devout religious believers

He asked God what he could do better to serve him, and God literally said "You can preach," out loud

The God of the Bible wasn't invented to explain any natural phenomenon.

In response to: What happens when cosmology has an excellent, viable model for the origins of the universe(s). Then what?: Outside of the Big Bang, I don't anticipate this occurring.

  positing a creator is not only the only reasonable option available, it is better than merely positing a non answer, or a wild conjecture about multiverses. Not taking a stand on an issue as important as this is sheer folly.

And the absolute best thus far:
Jesus Christ, was that last one an exercise in doublethink, or what?

Islam is a religion of peace. It is something of beauty and Truth, not ugliness like apostasy and your dirty Atheism. I don't appreciate the content of your video, and if you were in front of me in person, I would do as I am commanded and strike you down for Allah. No one gets to spit in the face of Allah and Muhammad (s.a.w.) without retribution. You are taking advantage of the fact that we cannot get to you in person. At least, not yet. Keep insulting my beautiful and peaceful religion, and you might face judgement sooner than you smugly think, you disgusting atheist.
 
Peace be upon you.

EDIT: Part Two now available

My Drunk Baby

Game Character Interview: Mario

This is a new blog series, in which, I, magx, interview different game characters, and get the behind the scenes information we all want to know. What drives them? Who are they? What do they do in their off time? Who are the people behind the beloved characters? In this series, we finally find out.

So, for the first edition, we're going to start it off with a BANG, as I have secured an interview with the ever present, beloved mascot of video gaming, Mario!

So, without further ado, let's get the the questions, shall we?

Editor's Note: This interview contains much foul language. Reader discretion is advised. This is no joke.



magx: So, Mario, before we begin, I just want to thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. I'm going to try and maintain a calm, neutral demeanor, but I mean.....wow, you're freaking Mario, man! [pause] Okay, okay. I'm collected. So, yes, thanks for sitting down with me today.

Mario: It's a me, Mario!

magx: Yes, but actually, as we spoke about, this series of interviews has the cha-

Mario: That's a so nice!

magx: Uh......Mario? We're actually looking for an out of character interview here. So please, if you would kindly drop character, as much as we love it, we'd be much obliged.

Andrew Dice Clay: Ah, fuck, finally. That's a fuckin relief, you know what I mean.

magx: Uh.....you're.......Andrew Dice Clay?!



Andrew Dice Clay: You're fuckin surprised? What the fuck, I thought it was obvious? Where'd you think I'd been all these years?

Editor's Note: For those unfamiliar with Andrew Dice Clay, see the following video:



It's a minute or so long clip of Mr. Clay (sorry, Diceman) on CNN, telling off the reporter. His comedy routines can also be seen on youtube. To sum up his act, it's very vulgar, misogynistic, racist, and all around raucous.

magx: [long pause] Well, okay.....ahem....Alright, so I guess we'll get started. So, Mr. Cla-

Andrew Dice Clay: Andrew, please, or Diceman, none of this Mr. shit, you know what I mean? [he pauses to light up a cigarette]

magx: Okay, sorry about that, Andrew. So, please, explain how you went from the comedy stage, selling out Madison Square Garden, to playing perhaps the most beloved character in all of video gaming?

Andrew Dice Clay: Well, that's pretty easy. I was backstage after a show, getting my dick sucked, you know, I mean, this chick was really working my shit, you know? So I blow in her hair, and as I'm lighting up a cigarette, I hear this little voice. I look up, and there's this little Jappy yappy in front of me, you know, like 4 foot 2, and he's got a translator with him, and next thing I know, he's offering me this gig.

magx: So, you decided right on the spot?

Andrew Dice Clay: Well, ya, you know, I mean, I was still the best fucking comedian who ever lived, but my numbers maybe weren't like they were a few years before, you know? And I got this guy offering me a long term deal, big money, and all I gotta do is rescue some fucking mopy idiot from a fire breathing piece of shit once every couple of years? And along the way I get to do mushrooms, and jump on stupid fuckin turtles, which is great, because I hate stupid fucking turtles. I mean, who the fuck invented those useless, slow pieces of shit? I fuckin sat there for thirty minutes once, watching this big dumbass turtle fuck walk from one end of my bathroom to the other. Thirty fucking minutes? I drowned him in the toilet, just for being so fucking stupid.

magx: [pause] Well.....I don't know if I would have drowned him......

Andrew Dice Clay: What are, you some kind of liberal pussyfuck? Oh, save the turtles? They're life too? Fuck that.

magx: ….....Okay, okay, well, let's get this back on track. So, Mr. Miyamoto offers you the role of Mario, and you take it. Now what?

Andrew Dice Clay: Well, I started out in some shitty games, donkey kong, and shit, hell, I was even called Jumpman at first. Then, in '83, I get this retard brother and we have to save New Yor City from these little fucks running around the sewer. At this point, I'm wondering what the fuck I'm doin, here, you know? Like, I'm ready to stomp that little Jappy yappy into the ground, money or no money. Fuck this shit.

magx: But then Super Mario Bros. happened.

Andrew Dice Clay: Ya, suddenly, I'm running free through these trippy world, doing shrooms and shit, rescuing this fucking broad, who doesn't even give me any by the way, so I have to take it later on, you know what I mean? She wanted to quit the first time, and go to the cops, but I set that bitch straight. So, anyways, there was the piece of shit second game, but then the third one was awesome. I mean, I'm traveling all over the place, I'm on airships, I'm so high everything looks like it's gigantic in the one place, I mean I'm just tripping out, you know? [pauses to light another cigarette] This is a pretty good gig.

magx: And then you get a dinosaur.

Andrew Dice Clay: And then I get a dinosaur. You know how much the broads love that fuckin tongue? I mean, I was getting pussy before, but now? Fuggedaboutit! Even that frigid bitch couldn't refuse anymore, at least, not behind the scenes. Sure, in the games, she's still little miss innocent, making me cake in Super Mario 64, but you know what happened backstage? I ate that cake off her tits and she did a line of coke off my balls, and then I used that dinosaurs tongue on her for three hours. It was fuckin beautiful, I mean, I'm having the time of my life, you know what I mean?

magx:Ya....it sounds like it, although I have to say, a lot of my childhood illusions are being shattered here.

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, everybody has to grow up sometime, you know?

magx: True enough. So, tell me, what's your favourite Mario game?

Andrew Dice Clay: Super Mario Sunshine was a lot of fun. I loved playing with my hose.

magx: [pause] Of course. So, anything you want to say to the fans before we end this......rather.....illuminating interview?

Andrew Dice Clay:Ya, go fuck yourself.

magx: Great. Well, thanks for the interview, and we hope to see yo-well, Mario, soon.

[End of Interview]

Well, there it is. For better or for worse, that's the real Mario, folks. I think I am going to need some time to digest it all. I mean, that was one of my childhood heroes, and to know that, this whole time, it was really Andrew Dice Clay behind that smiling face.......I don't know. I think this Mario fan is disappointed. Be sure to let us know how you feel in the comment section.

FUNNIEST COMMERCIAL EVER MADE?

Friends of mine made this for a college advertising course. It's from the same mind that brought you this:

http://magx01.blogspot.com/2010/01/josh-fn-groban.html

These dudes are comedic geniuses. When you see them on television, remember, I knew them first!

;)

Jesus Joke (Poor Taste Warning)

Please, if you are Christian or in any way consider yourself a follower of Christ, and will take offense to 'blasphemous' jokes, don't read this one, becuase it's really quite bad. Or, if you do, fine, it's your choice, but I don't want to read any complaints. It was your choice to continue on.

Now, if you're like me, and like jokes in poor taste and have a pretty all encompassing sense of humour (or a crude and juvenile one) read on, as this is pretty damn funny, in that ''OOOOHHHHH MMMMAAAANNN THATS BAAAADDDDD LOLOLOLOL'' kind of way.......

~Second last chance



~Last chance


Okay, here it is:

Jesus Walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?

BA DUM TISH!!!!



Ya, I kinda just did, sorry.

Josh FN Groban

Language Warning !!!!!!



One of my best friends made this for a college media project/ contest and it was voted the best one in the class. The background to this is quite simple, he is always told he looks like Josh Groban, and the idea struck him to play off of that, so he combined the physical similarities between him and Josh with a gag based on Gorban's public image of innocence and thus was borne this crazy and really funny rap video.

Hilarious: Online Gamer (In Real Life)

Major Language Warning

This is really quite humourous, but only if you're familiar with online gaming, and these types of players especially. It really demonstrates how the douchebaggery you encounter online, spurred on by immaturity and testosterone meeting anonymity, really does not translate well to real life.

I got some good laughs out of these, particularly the first one:






Credit for these goes to http://www.recklesstortuga.com/ as this is original content produced by the folks there.