Spike TV Video Game Awards (VGA'S) and Categories are mostly BULLSHIT

I'm posting this as a response of sorts, but more to the point, as a post inspired by, SykoShadow's POST from 2 days ago regarding this year's Video Game Awards (VGA's) hosted as usual, by Spike TV. I responded to him via a lengthy comment, but that proved to be insufficient to quell my incensed mind, so here we go (much of that comment ill be migrated here, so if yo have already seen the comment, some of this will be familiar). My choices will be in bold.

Please note that I will be inserting my own nominations where I see fit (likely more often than I choose from their shitty nominees. If you don't like that, you can suck my left nipple while kneading the right one. Or, if that's not going to work for you (and likely won't for me, either) you can either leave me an angry comment, or just point your browser to something more soothing.

Also, most of this will be biased ranting, and cannot be honestly applied as valid criticisms (although some can). HOWEVER, stick it out to the end (or just skip to it) and you'll see that I have some legitimate points of contention with the VGA's.

Studio of the Year

- BioWare
- Blizzard Entertainment
- Bungie Studios
- Rockstar San Diego

BULLSHIT. Where's PlatinumGames? A new studio is created, and they bang out 4 games in 2 years, each in a different genre; 2 of them are good/maybe great (MadWorld and Infinite Space), and 2 of them, Vanquish and the almighty BAYONETTA take a different genre, (shooter and hack n slash, respectively) and EVOLVE THE FUCK OUT OF THEM! I'm not a huge shooter fan, but two hours or so I played of Vanquish told me that once I get my rental plan back, I MUST PLAY THAT GAME. Holy FUCK was that cool. And the reviewers agreed. That game scored high 9's, WITHOUT MULTIPLAYER, in a genre that basically DEMANDS multiplayer! Gametrailers scored the gameplay aspect of the game (you know, the most important part) 9.7 for FUCK'S SAKE! NINE POINT SEVEN!

And then of course, you have BAYONETTA. I already posted the best review of the game on the internet (yes, I fucking said it) so there's not much I need to say other than THE FACT THAT THEY MADE THIS GAME ALONE SHOULD GRANT THEM A SPOT ON THE LIST. Add to the fact that they ALSO MADE A FUCKING KILLER SHOOTER and I say HIGHWAY ROBBERY! And they are a NEW Studio!!!

My Nomination: PlatinumGames

Best Wii Game

- Donkey Kong Country Returns (wtf?)
- Kirby’s Epic Yarn
- Metroid: Other M
- Super Mario Galaxy 2

I regret to inform you, the reader, that I have not played any of these (at least not yet). As such, I am going by impressions from videos, reviews, and such. SMG2 seems to be the best of the bunch. As far as DKCR being placed on the list before it is even released (Seriously, wtf?)....Syko said it all and said it well, so I don't have to bother elaborating.

Best Xbox 360 Game

- Alan Wake
- Fable III
- Halo: Reach
- Mass Effect 2 (begrudgingly)

Alan Wake was great, from what I played (about 4 hours I believe...something else I wanted came out and I begrudgingly returned my AW rental to rent the other game...I do plan on picking up AW used, or re-renting it, as I liked what I played), but the DLC fiasco really soured my impression of it, and the fact that it was so unimpressive compared to the target goal of the looooong development cycle doesn't reflect well on it either. HOWEVER, it's not really fair to judge a game on extraneous shit like this, especially when it comes to awards.

So, going by the merits of the actual released product, I have to....well, it's tough, because I did not finish it and I don't think it's fair to pass judgement on a product I did not finish. Let me just say this: the four or so hours I played were enjoyable, and, in some ways, incredible, innovative and unique (mostly the excellent, engaging narrative, and the exciting, thrilling method of delivery utilized by the writers). The visuals were striking to me, but I heard many others complain. I think that whatever technical flaws there may have been were more than accounted for by the excellent artistic direction. EXCELLENT atmosphere.

Caveat time: the excellent artistry and mood were nearly CRIPPLED by the absolutely ATROCIOUS lip synching. The voice acting was EXCELLENT, and they fucking ruined it with incredibly bad lip synching. I think I heard this was patched: can someone confirm or deny this in the comment section? Also, even in the few hours I played, it already seemed a bit derivative. That does NOT bode well for the game, considering the fact that I had not even reached the halfway point.

Fable III...I only played about 2 or maaaybe 3 hours of it, and barely accomplished much of anything, so I cannot say much, other than the fact that it seemed to be very similar to Fable II with even less RPG elements intact.....not very thrilled with the way the series has progressed after the stupendously entertaining and engaging first game (Fable is one of my all time favourite games; very memorable and important in the history of my gaming 'career').

Halo: Reach: Did not play. Cannot comment, but will anyways: my impression from videos and such is * yawn * Same old shit, new coat of paint, and, speaking of a new coat of paint....for all that talk of a NEW engine, the graphics didn't even look all that impressive. Remember the reveal teaser with the helicopter? The bullshit CGI pre-rendered video that had all of the credulous, incredibly naive and non skeptical fanboys creaming their pants? Ya, nothing like that at all. Duh! Says the seasoned, skeptical gamer. Halo is played out for me.

Mass Effect 2: I played about ten hours and then couldn't stomach any more of it. It's an excellent game that I fucking HATE. They took a fantastic rpg/shooter hybrid and turned it into a third person cover shooter with the faintest hints of an RPG mixed in. The combat was boring as shit, the biotics sucked, at least for the class I picked, the game is supposed to convey a sense of scale and interplanetary wonder, yet most of those first ten hours were spent pew pewing in indoor corridors with random pieces of cover bunched together, indicating where the next duck n cover, whack a mole firefight was going to take place, exploration was now basically pointless, and rather than addressing the issues with the Mako, they just fucking REMOVED it and replaced those exploratory sections with the shittiest piece of shit fucking garbage mini-game of all time.

No, seriously, they removed it.....

Yes, rather than drive around foreign planets I'd rather move a cursor around a picture of a planet and pretend I am mining for resources....GREAT fucking conciliatory move there, BioWare. REALLY EXCELLENT....NOT! (So 90's but so fitting). And I bet EA's involvement was to blame for the move to a more action oriented, Gears of War ripoff gameplay style. As soon as I read that EA got a piece of the pie, I KNEW it was doomed, and I was right.

Still, the game has amazing visuals, incredible cutscenes and a spectacular, engaging conversation mechanic, superb voice acting, and an engaging narrative. The game has great mechanics, even though I lamented their implementation, and the sound design is top of the line. It's basically an EXCELLENT game that's NOT AT ALL what I wanted it to be. Woe is me, I suppose. Woe is me :(

Best PS3 Game

- God of War III
- Heavy Rain
- ModNation Racers
- Red Dead Redemption

I don't have a PS3, and of these games, I have only played a bit of GOW3 (didn't like) and about 2 hours of Heavy Rain (was completely into it, and will definitely be playing this game once I finally get my hands on a PS3). Also, Why the FUCK is RDR in the PS3 category? That overrated crapfest was a multiplatform game, damn it!

I cannot officially make a pick in this category, although, unofficially, I'd like to see Heavy Rain win, just because it was fairly innovative (fairly because of the studio's previous game, Farenheit/Indigo Prophecy being the true innovator) and it was unique, engaging, immersive, and clearly a labour of love. The controls were a bit fucked up though, although nothing even close to gamebreaking. EXCELLENT visuals, as well.

Best PC Game

- Fallout: New Vegas
- Mass Effect 2
- Sid Meier’s Civilization V
- StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty

Why the FUCK is Fallout New Vegas in the PC category? That game is a multiplatform game! Same with Mass Effect 2 (which I didn't even know was on the PC)! I have yet to have played Fallout: New Vegas, I already spoke about ME2, and I have not played the other two games, and likely never will (well, I might give SCII a try for Claudio's sake, b/c if, in the unlikely event that I actually like it, we'll play multiplayer together). I cannot pick anything in this category as well.

Best Handheld Game

- God of War: Ghost of Sparta
- Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker
- Professor Layton and the Unwound Future
- Super Scribblenauts

Haven't played any, cannot comment. Last handheld game I played was, I believe, Phantasy Star Portable. I have yet to have played Phantasy Star Zero, but I plan to. It doesn't look as good as the PSP one(s), obviously, but it has online!

Interesting that Puzzle Quest II isn't on the list, though. I played the xbox 360 version, so I can't say for sure that the handheld version s excellent, but if the console version is any indication, it probably is.

Best Shooter

- Battlefield: Bad Company 2
- BioShock 2
- Call of Duty: Black Ops
- Halo: Reach

LMAO. Yet another category in which I cannot vote, as I have not played any of these, although, notice how EVRY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THEM IS A SEQUEL? For fuck's sake, Black Ops is a part SEVEN! SEVEN! Reach is a part FOUR (although, really, it's a FIVE) BC2 is only a 2, but it's certanly NOT only the second Battlefield game. BioShock is actually only the second, although it sucked balls compared to the EXCELLENT first, at least from what I gather.

Is there any genre more fucking derivative than the first person shooter genre? FUCKING HELL!

Best Action-Adventure Game

- Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood
- God of War III
- Red Dead Redemption
- Super Mario Galaxy 2

Uh......wtf? Do they even know wtf an action/adventure is? Brotherhood (the 3rd AC game in...yep, 3 fucking years!....amazing how much they are WHORING out sequels this generation), from what I gather, and based on my time with the shitty but visually arresting (which is why it was so popular, guaranteed) first AC game, is an open world platformer/elongated fetch quest. There aren't any puzzles at all. There's combat, and non combat objectives, but no puzzles, and, perhaps I am mistaken here, but no bosses either.

God of War III is an action adventure, although it's linear in design and heavyon combat, which makes it more a hack n slash than anything, but it probably still qualifies. Yay, they got one right.

RDR is an action/adventure as much as GTA games are. Which means...not at all. It's an open world action game.

SMG2....WTF. That's a straight platformer. Idiots!

So, out of the four games in this category, only ONE can be considered an action/adventure, and that's one I'd say barely makes the cut, as it's more of a straight hack n slash than an action/adventure, but I'm feeling generous I suppose. So, yay, GOWIII wins by default. Kudos, retards.

Best RPG

- Fable III
- Fallout: New Vegas
- Final Fantasy XIII
- Mass Effect 2

WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK IS FFXIII DOING ON THIS LIST? WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK IS Fable III DOING ON THIS LIST? WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK IS ME2 DOING ON THIS LIST?
Fable III has even less RPG features than does the already 'streamlined' (read; dumbed down) Fable II. I am not into FF, so I didn not play FFXIII, but I did watch my wife suffer through much of it. I distinctly recall the moment where, after watching her play for a few hours, during which I saw this:

Cutscene>FightCutscene>Fight Cutscene>Fight Cutscene>Fight  ad nauseum in linear indoor environments,

I asked her “Why haven't you been to a town?” to which she replied, solemn faced and bewildered, “....There are no towns.”

I think my brain broke upon hearing that. You do your shopping at save points? WHAT THE FUCK!

Cutscene>Fight Cutscene>Fight Cutscene>Fight Cutscene>Fight Cutscene>Fight Cutscene>Fight.....

Ugh.

ME2, I already ranted about.

YET AGAIN, they completely fail and only put ONE fucking game in the list that should even BE in the category. FUCKING FAIL.

Fallout: New Vegas also wins by default.

Best Multiplayer Game

- Battlefield: Bad Company 2
- Call of Duty: Black Ops
- Halo: Reach
- StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty

Suck my balls.

Btw, Blur, and I'm in no way a racing game fan, should be on this list. Huge number of players in one race, great gameplay BEAUTIFULLY suited for multiplayer, and excellent netcode.

In fact, I nominate Blur.

Best Individual Sports Game

- EA Sports MMA
- Shaun White Skateboarding
- Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11
- UFC Undisputed 2010

Suck my balls.

Best Team Sports Game

- FIFA Soccer 11
- Madden NFL 11
- NBA 2K11
- MLB ’10: The Show

Suck my balls.

Btw, based on NHL 08 (the last NHL and sports game I bought, and I bought it in 2010 for $5) and user feedback, from what u gather, at least, NHL 11 should be on the list.

Best Driving Game

- Blur
- ModNation Racers
- Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit
- Split/Second

I don't much care for the racing genre, especially simulations, but I have played some this year and I can comment. Split/Second was shit. The driving felt poor, and the gimmick upon which the game was based was weak and would get old fast, for sure.

NFS:HP looked promising, until I played the demo and realized that it now felt like a shitty Burnout game, and being a cop meant not that you could pull people over like in the old game, but instead, you had to ram them a few times until their damage bar filled. So fucking nonsensical and generic.

Did not play MNR, so I cannot comment. Claudio told me that it was quite good but the load times were INSANE.

Why the fuck is GT5 not on this list? Was it not released at press time? If so....that didn't seem to stop them when it came to Donkey Kong, so what gives? Oh, ironcially, Claudio told me that it too, was excellent, but crippled by INSANE loading.

Blur was GREAT fun. It was a unique twist on the genre, melding together aspects of the kart racing sub genre with the arcade racing sub genre. Think Mario Kart meets Burnout. It might sound generic but it was anything but. Great fun, great handling, excellent and balanced gameplay, and a great online structure and play. I got bored after like 10 hours of playing the beta, but that's because I am not a big racing game guy, not due to any fault of the game itself.

Best Music Game

- Dance Central
- DJ Hero 2
- Def Jam Rapstar
- Rock Band 3

Suck my balls. I am so fucking over music games it's not even funny.

Best Soundtrack

- Def Jam Rapstar
- DJ Hero 2
- Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock
- Rock Band 3

Uh, perhaps it's just me, but nominating music games for best soundtrack seems pretty fucking stupid to me. If they insist on doing this, they should add a second category entitled 'Best Original Soundtrack' or 'Best Soundtrack in a non music Game.'

And once again, I'm not voting for any of these. Suck my balls.

Best Song in a Game

- Basket Case by Green Day
- Black Rain by Soundgarden
- Far Away by José González
- GoldenEye by Nicole Scherzinger
- Replay/Rude Boy Mashup by Iyaz & Rihanna
- Won’t Back Down by Eminem

What an absolutely fucking retarded category. I mean, REALLY? This is a VIDEO GAME AWARD SHOW, NOT A FUCKING MUSIC AWARDS SHOW. If you insist on having this category, make it apply only to ORIGINAL MUSIC composed for a game.

I nominate the Halo theme, and yes, it's from 2001. Suck my balls.

Best Original Score

- God of War III
- Halo: Reach
- Mass Effect 2
- Red Dead Redemption

I only picked this to placate SykoShadow. In actual fact, I don't have enough info or experience to make an informed decision.

What I really wanted to do was nominate Scott Pilgrim vs. The World : The Game, due to the SWEET 16 bit styled soundtrack, but I decided to throw Syko a bone.

Best Graphics

- God of War III
- Heavy Rain
- Kirby’s Epic Yarn
- Red Dead Redemption

How the FUCK is Mass Effect 2 not in this list? Anyways, I could have gone GOWIII also, as some spots looked EXCELLENT from what I saw, but that's the problem, it was inconsistent. Some spots looked fantastic while other areas looked like a PS2 game.

Best Adapted Video Game

- LEGO: Harry Potter: Years 1-4
- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game
- Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions
- Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II
- Transformers: War for Cybertron

A truly excellent beat em up, only held back by the lack of online play. Terrific game, great local multiplayer, an AWESOME retro look and sound, decent challenge, and good replay value.

Best Performance by a Human Male

- Daniel Craig as James Bond
- Gary Oldman as Sgt. Reznov
- John Cleese as Jasper
- Martin Sheen as Illusive Man
- Nathan Fillion as Sergeant Edward Buck
- Neil Patrick Harris as Peter Parker/Amazing Spider-Man
- Rob Wiethoff as John Marston
- Sam Worthington as Alex Mason

I nominate the guy that played the star on the hero's chest in Comic Jumper

Best Performance by a Human Female

- Dame Judi Dench as M
- Danica Patrick as Herself
- Emmanuelle Chriqui as The Numbers Lady
- Felicia Day as Veronica
- Jennifer Hale as Commander Shepard
- Kristen Bell as Lucy Stillman
- Tricia Helfer as Sarah Kerrigan
- Yvonne Strahovski as Miranda Lawson

Are any of these from Alpha Protocol? If so, I choose that one. If not, they can suck my balls.

Best Downloadable Game

- Costume Quest
- Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
- Monday Night Combat
- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game

I really liked SP, so I went with it, although I'd really love to nominate Puzzle Quest II because it is fucking AWESOME.

Best DLC

- BioShock 2: Minerva’s Den
- Borderlands: The Secret Armory of General Knoxx
- Mass Effect 2: Lair of the Shadow Broker
- Red Dead Redemption – Undead Nightmare

As I said to Syko:

FUCK YOU.

And fuck you for picking that shit over general knoxx. Do you KNOW what that DLC consists of? It's practically a fucking whole new game for $10. I HATE most DLC, and I bought it!

FUCK YOU again.

General Knoxx, no question. Supreme value, unlike most of the bullshit that is paid DLC. Three fucking hours vs. ten to twenty (or more) hours and WAY less content.....SykoShadow, you should be ASHAMED of yourself.

Best Independent Game

- Joe Danger
- Limbo
- Super Meat Boy
- The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom

Meh.

Most Anticipated Game

- Batman: Arkham City
- BioShock: Infinite
- Gears of War 3
- Portal 2

Lol, what a fucking joke of an award category. Anyways, I choose Bioshock Infinite because it's being developed by the original Bioshock team, and that video they released was very promising.

However, here's a better list (not just games I am personally interested in, although some are included:

-Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D
-The next Legend of Zelda Wii game
-Bayonetta 2 (not announced but it WILL happen)
-Ninja Gaiden 3 (maybe...)
-Asura's Wrath
-Marvel vs. Capcom 3
-Dead Space 2 (maybe, hopefully they don't swing the balance too far towards action)
-Kid Icarus: Uprising
-Devil's Third (maybe....and once I get over my fanboyish hurt feelings)
-Ghost Recon: Future whatever the fuck it's called
-The Resident Evil 3Ds games
-Metal Gear Solid 3DS
-Dead or Alive Dimensions (maybe....)

etc.

I mean, COME ON they didn't even include ZELDA? WTF!!!! I don't care much for Zelda, but they are NUTS not to include the Zelda games.

Game of the Year

- Call of Duty: Black Ops
- God of War III
- Halo: Reach
- Mass Effect 2
- Red Dead Redemption

BUUULLLLSHHHHIIITTTT

Before I include the rant I put in my comment to SykoShadow, I am officially announcing that I am nominating BAYONETTA for inclusion in the prestigious (lol) VGA GOTY category, and look! Bayonetta wins!! * the crowd cheers *

WOW, look at the GOTY list.....same fucking games over and over and over, and most of them are retreads, rehashes, and shit. Once again, WHERE THE FUCK IS BAYONETTA? I am sure I sound like a 'fanboy' or whatever, but seriously, the game took the genre to a new level (ignoring the existence of Ninja Gaiden Black, of course, but that game needs to be ignored for any other game to be considered the best at anything, because it's the Mona Lisa of video games....* cough * fanboy * cough *) and it gets completely ignored.

Seriously, here's a quick bulletin point list:

-Combat is literally sublime. I could write a 10,000 word essay on it. Let's just leave it at sublime.
-Level design is incredible, especially late game. VERY innovative, cool, and fun.
-Lots of change and progression; never bored. Motorcycle sections were actually FUN
-TONS of unclockables, secrets, cheats, and replay value. Not ONE bit of content held out for DLC.
-Fantastic boss fights. Great mix of huge behemoths and mind bending encounters with small bosses, for example, the fights with Jean where you fight on the walls and ceiling!!
-Difficulty changes not just enemy HP but placement and behaviour. Nonstop infinite climax mode removes witch time!
-You drive a motorcycle into space and fight god (Jubileus). YOU FUCKING DRIVE INTO SPACE

Now, there are two cons:

-Not hard enough.

For one, the AI is too passive, imo. I know it's a game in the vein of DMC< where it's style over survival, and believe me, the combat is AMAZING, but still, as Itagaki once said, in other games, the AI exists for you to kill them. In Ninja Gaiden, the AI is there to kill you.

Also, despite complaints to the contrary, NSIC mode was still not hard enough. I blew through it. It wasn't piss easy, but to be good enough to tackle Master Ninja on NGB took MONTHS of NG play. I beat NSIC a couple of weeks after buying the game. I died on MN (and PoTMN in NGII) like 1000000 times. I think I might have died 30 or so times on NSIC. Shit, I died 40, yes 40!! fucking times trying to reach the FIRST FUCKING CHECKPOINT the first time I played Ninja Gaiden Black on Master Ninja. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT lol. If I had played Bayonetta HALF as much as I have played NG, I would have beat it without dying once, guaranteed. Oh, and btw, I only died in NSIC mode because I refused to use health potions unless I really had to, and even then I balked. So most of the deaths were avoidable. And: -Repeat boss encounters. A staple of the genre, but a valid complaint, if one were to make it.

Bayonetta Review (Best on the Web)

FEW GENERAL POINTS

Where are the awards for genres other than action/adventure, shooter and RPG? By what criteria do they decide which to include and which to exclude? Should they not include them all, or none? I mean, why are hack n slash games excluded? Fighting games? Puzzle games? Adventure games? Horror games?

Wtf?

Where are the awards for excellence in sound design? AI? Programming, Q/A, replay value, etc?

Bullshit mainstream awards for a bullshit mainstream awards show, which will be chock full of celebrities pretending to care about gaming and other people concerned with their image and career, advertising, and corporate sellouts.

Seriously, the Spike VGA's are more about branding, advertising, people trying to further their careers/look cool, ratings, sales and MONEY than they are a serious and studied acknowledgment of the hard work and artistry that it put into video games.
Fuck the VGA's.

Fuck them in their bullshit, corporatist, sellout, fake ass ass!