Monday, May 10, 2010

Pissed off Dude's Letter to the Canadian Government Re: Passport

Disclaimer: Somebody emailed this to me, and I thought I would post it, as it's pretty funny. I cannot speak to the veracity of this, however, and consequently, make no such claims to that end. As always, when it comes to shit like this, salt, grain, you get the idea.

That aside, enjoy!

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!


I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin’ there?

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!

(fuckin’ morons)

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed – An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA!!!

Hamilton, Ontario Canada

End of Letter
Well, that's it. I hover between real and fake as I read that, but the bit at the end does lend it a bit of an air of truth. Either way, it's pretty damn funny, and you can't help but feel that tinge of YA! as you read it. Striking back at 'The Man' in any small way, and really saying exactly what's on your mind for once.....that's all satisfying stuff, and I experience some vicarious joy thanks to this, especially now, as I am actually currently in the middle of the bullshit passport application stuff. I could be missing something here, but I don't see hwo a passport ensures any extra marginal safety. The requirements boil down to having:
1) A birth certificate.
2) A piece of I.D.
3) A photo.
4) A couple of aquaintances.
5) A friend.
Guess what? I have that shit with me when I'm travelling anyways. Instead of spending $87 plus $15 for photos (oh, and $9 for scanning my license at fucking Staples) and wasting a bunch of time, I could just show them my photo I.D., birth certificate, and have my friend vouch for me right at the border. And if you think that a terrorist couldn't produce such things, you're living in a dream world.
Unless I am missing something, and I might be (someone let me know), all that the passport business does is inconvenience Joe Average and bring in some extra revenue for the Federal Government. I don't think this provides much of a barrier for the 'bad guys' to get through. Yet another false sense of security, nonsensical overreactionand a money grab. At least, from my admittedly layman's pov.


  1. There letters are always fun to read. I once read a guys letter to Santa and another one that was an applicants form for a job interview. Comedy gold!

    Yeah, you're right! It's just another way to get your money. In my country, a few years back, there was a $5 million research, funded by the government, on the agricultural research of octopi. As in making an octopi plantation. Turns out you can't! And to think that money could have gone to pay off our debt. Pfffft! Money well spent, I say!

  2. Huh, oddly enough, I'm hungry all of a sudden....


  3. Real or not, it's so true. Government complicates way more things than it ever solves. My father is about to turn 66. According to Social Security he's been dead for about 25 years or so. And the real kicker is they still record him as being married to my step-mom even though by their records he died before they even actually met.


  4. @Airwl1 LOL! The government has created a time paradox! You do not exist!

  5. Dear CUPW & Canada Post Workers,
    What rock are you all living under? Do you seriously think that the people of Canada are behind this strike? Look I'm all for people making a decent wage and having a pension, BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO STOP ME FROM GETTING MY MAIL!!! I have a job. I work hard. I live paycheck to paycheck. I am waiting for a large check that is "in the mail". The workers saying they want to go back to get the pension checks delivered, well that's generous of you. But what about the rest of us?? I don't care what issues you think need to be changed, YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO INTERRUPT MAIL SERVICE. I am so angry I can hardly stand it. There has been a wage freeze at my company, and many others for years!! My pension contributions were reduced, many other people don't even get one. They have to take care of their retirement on their own. It is unbeleivable to me that you think you have a perfectly good right to do this.
    LEGISLATE THOSE FACKWAGGERS BACK TO WORK!! If someone's Air Canada flight is cancelled they can use another airline, it's NOT an essential service. BUT the reason they are being legislated back to work is because alot more money will be lost. GET THOSE CANADA POST WORKERS BACK TO WORK!!!
    Disgruntled Canadain

  6. ^


    I concur 1000000000%


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