Saturday, July 24, 2010

My Encounter With a Religious Wackjob (I Am Apparently 'The Chosen One')

Note: This is a story from last year that I am reposting here.

According to this wacko patient I had at work (polysmonographic technologist for those who are unaware) this week, not only am I "special", but, I am actually......The Chosen One.

See, I was running a study on this seemingly sweet older lady, who, after the exchange of some pleasantries, decided to ask me if I
"belonged to Jesus"
which I guess is a new spin on the old "man of god" thing. So, I, not knowing I was in for 7 hours of proselytizing and sheer insanity (stay with me), answered honestly, and, in a very nice tone of voice, said
"no, I can't say that I am."

Then came the reply.
"You mean you aren't religious?"
I paused, perhaps sensing something, but it was too late. I was committed to this course of action. I reply.

"No, I'm an atheist,"


Apparently, that wouldn't do. And so began the onslaught, which started with the wondrous nature of "the one true god" and then migrated into the wondrous god sending me to suffer for eternity (BUT NOT WANTING TO!!). But that was just the beginning. Then I heard about judgment day, which was apparently all spelled out in revelations, and how most of the humans on earth, including MOST CHIRSTIANS (especially those in "dead churches") are going to hell.

And when was this happening? "Why, SOON, look at all the blood being spilled overseas! Jesus won't stand for this much longer, it says in revelations that when the blood is spilled, he will return." (Or something to that effect). Now, at this point, I was SO incredibly tempted to sarcastically ask if Jesus was napping during the Holocaust, but I refrained from doing so.

It gets weirder. I swear, I went into her room at one point, and she remarked to me that she had just conversed with god, and she told me that he told her she had been sent to me, and it was her job to save me from the pits of hell, because I am the chosen one.

"god doesn't want to see you burn, he loves you."
You cannot make this stuff up, folks.

...Well, okay, you can, but I am not, I assure you.

So, according to cuckoo lady, I was going to "feel the holy spirit enter my heart" as I was sitting at my computer. She then described for me what to expect:

"He's warm, and gentle. He's not abrupt or rough. When he enters your heart, you'll feel at peace, your body will warm up, and you'll feel the most tremendous joy."
-Crazy lady, to me, on what to expect when the "holy spirit enters my heart."

So, barely containing my laughter, I agree that I will indeed remain open to any invasive heart visitations while I worked.

Quick Note: Now, before I continue, I'd like to say that during all of this, literally HOURS of it, I was nothing short of remarkably gracious and kind; never argued, laughed, or said anything sarcastic. I did, near the end, make one, ONE, small point when she stated something, and she actually got offended which is amazing since I had put up with HOURS of this shit, but let's get back on track here. (And yes, I will inform you as to what the offensive comment in question was, exactly). So, I go to my desk, and she returns to her room. 40 minutes later, I go to her room to quiz her, and she asks me if I felt it (it being the 'holy spirit' of course). I answer, again, very nicely, in the negative. In fact, I even actually added, "well, not yet at least."


 That wouldn't do. Predictably enough, I wasn't opening myself to it and missed it.
Of course......No other possible explanations. Nope, not a one. Certainly not one that Occam's Razor might be able to...ah, nevermind, here I am digressing again.

So, anyways, the day wore on, and at the end of it, she again reiterated that I was special, and chosen by god because I am sweet and have a pure heart. I pointed out to her that no matter what, I'm who I am, so if I am really that nice, then regardless of whether I am an atheist or a christian, I'm still that same good person, and so perhaps god would consider that come judgment day.

She then left, with the parting words Oddly enough, she didn't seem all that concerned for me, seeing as how she supposedly believed I was going to burn for eternity. She wasn't broken up or anything. She might as well have been telling me I was going to a movie, or that my shoelaces were undone. It was so strange; she delivered these cryptic comments to me with this completely flat, almost cheery tone in her voice. So she either doesn't actually care, doesn't actually believe it, or has a stunted affect due to, well, being fucking insane (which is the correct clinical term in this case, trust me. She has her own version of the DSM-IV, and in it is just two words: fucking insane).

Oh, and that comment that I made, that offended her? Ya, after her telling me I was going to hell for the fifth or so time, I NICELY asked her why, if god was so loving and kind and just, would he send his "special" chosen one to the same fate as Adolf Hitler? I framed this as nicely as possible,, as you know, you shouldn't DARE offend the sweet religious stranger telling you that you are going to burn in hell for eternity.....

And of course, she got frigging offended.

I'm still raging at that.
I think if I wasn't at work, I would have lost it then and there (don't ask me why I would have been several hours into the proselytizing of a complete stranger outside of the constraints of work....just go with it). I mean, really, the fucking nerve of this woman! She spends hours yakking this shit at me, threatening me, denigrating my heart's ability (and my willingness) to accept Jesus into it, and I come at her with one extremely simple and nicely phrased retort and she gets visibly offended?


Crazy lady, fuck off.

Anyways, that's my story.

OH!!! WAIT!!!
I almost forgot. This is priceless. At one point during the festivities, she asked me if I knew how a babies heart starts beating in the womb. Placating her, I said no, and then listened as she actually said
"god peeks in at around 8 weeks and breathes life into the baby,"
-Crazy lady, to me, on how a fetus' heart starts beating in the womb.

 which she then demonstrated.....

She demonstrated this to me with a grotesque cupping of the hands, a goofy facial expression, and some hearty exhalations. Again, you can't make this stu-well, okay, you can, but again, I'm not.

The thing is, as much as I am bitching about and making fun of, her (and rightfully so on both counts) I kind of felt bad for her, even though I was also both angry and bemused, as she'd had a really rough time in life the last several years. It was obvious she was clinging to these beliefs for dear life, and she constantly needed to reaffirm them, because every single chance she got, it was praise god this, and thanks Jesus that. I mean constantly. To an absurd degree.

And at one point, she thought she was getting special treatment from us (she wasn't). Well, she looked up to the ceiling and said thanks (presumably to god, for the preferential treatment which she thought she was receiving (again, she wasn't) because I guess god was working through us) and when I informed her that we did that same thing for everyone else, ie, she was NOT receiving special treatment....

She didn't believe me. 

She had automatically attributed this special treatment to her god, and so the idea that she wasn't actually receiving preferential treatment brought on uncomfortable feelings and/or questions, and so she refused to entertain the notion that she wasn't receiving said special treatment, even though we, the people treating her, were telling her that we did what we were doing for everybody.

Talk about cognitive dissonance!!So there you have it. My Encounter With a Religious Wackjob Nutcase Crazy Preselytizing Evangelizing Lady!


  1. What a nutter.. I would not of put up with that for too long.. If a woman was continuously doing that for hours I would of eventually gone.

    ''Look love, I think you're mental.'' And hopefully she'd of fucked off, if she spent five minutes fair enough.. But hours? Well done on lasting that long.. Especially when she gets all offended at a conspicuously valid point which raises a paradox with her deity.

    And I hate those Christians who use euphemistic language ("Dead Churches") when they're really talking about Catholicism. Just because there's quiet and tranquility in a Catholic Church does not mean that it's a "dead" Church. Albeit there's few believers in jolly old secular England. Rather the fucking hypocrites did not bother turning up at the Church.

  2. I was at work. Had to maintain professionalism. 'Twas fucking annoying, to be sure, even for someone of my disposition and patience.

    Hate that particular euphemsim myself.

  3. What a bitch. I really haven't come across people like that but I love to tell off those Mormons on their bicycles. They come to my house at least twice every month and talk to me about Jesus loving me and stuff like that. One actually told me that Jesus/God (I don't know which one) actually came to him in a dream and told him to send the message to the non-believers so that's why he came to my house. I guess they'll believe anything they dream about.

    Also, I have finally posted a blog on this site so you should go check it out.

  4. Fucking titcakes and pussies with munchkin rainbows!!! Darwin didnt exist, A-theism is a lie!!!! Big bang is a hoax !!! Do your typical ritual suicides.

  5. Ritual suicide is scheduled for next Halloween.

  6. I'm guessing you get a lot of those kinds of comments due to anonymity?

  7. Not that many actually. As the viewership increases I'll certainly get more.

  8. You are probably one of the funniest badasses I've heard in a while. So getting an account on this site.

  9. I don't consider myself a badass but I'll accept the compliment I suppose. See you 'round the blog then.


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